2020

It's a new year decade, and since I saw so many 'decade challenge's, I wanted to look back on my headspace at the start of the last decade and found:

2010
I CLAIM THE FIRST POST OF THE YEAR BECAUSE JACQUELINE LIU HAS VIRTUALLY ABANDONED ANOREXIC TURTLE
just kidding, we both kind of did.

All I can say is, I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for me.  

1. find a major.

2. make myself proud.

3. wear color.

Honestly, thank God I found this blog again. It might have been one of my highlights of 2019, because halfway through the last decade, I really lost touch with myself. Not necessarily all bad, since people grow and change, but I had a hard time feeling grounded and motivated in anything that I did because I didn't know who I was and what I wanted.

I looked back on this blog and thought - wow, so many thoughts, so many feelings, but she really knew what kind of person she was and let herself be vulnerable to the world. But when I try to trace those thoughts and feelings back, I can't ever recall being confident. I had dreams, sure, but I never did much to realize them. Because once you chase your dreams, they're no longer dreams, right?

And when I look at my resolutions for 2010, I see someone who was lost, lacked confidence, and craved creativity. Sad to say, nothing really has changed except now the stakes are higher, and the longing goes deeper.

But on a more positive note, what did I do in my 20s?
1. Graduated college
2. Got a job
3. Got a boyfriend
4. Travelled internationally to the UK (3x), Amsterdam, Cambodia, Thailand, Singapore, Cabo, Philippines, Patagonia, Canada (3x), Spain, Japan, Korea
5. Got some new hobbies like camping, backpacking, practicing yoga, watching trashy reality TV
6. Went to a lot of music festivals: Coachella (2x), OutsideLands (2.5x), That one with K-theory, Hard Summer, Rolling Loud, Lightning in a Bottle
7. Saw a lot of concerts: Justin Bieber Purpose tour, Kendrick Lamar DAMN, Ariana Grande Sweetener/Thank u next (2x), Bryson Tiller
8. Tried new things like hang-gliding, snorkeling, paddle boarding, ATV riding, backpacking
9. Moved 6 times from Berkeley to Albany to Oakland to Emeryville to San Francisco

I think the first half of this decade was really about trying to find myself after college. College had this weird way of putting me in a bubble, creating structure, and allowing me to feel like I had goals and ambitions. It's easy to feel like you're working toward something when you have homework, deadlines, and grades. It's easy to feel like you know who you are when you lead an organization, and have extracurriculars, and are validated by people who look up to you. It was a big shock to my system when I graduated and the bubble popped. These things that once defined you - school, friends, sorority - become a thing of the past, and the path forward is like starting a new book. But now, there are no guidelines, there are no rules or expectations, there are no clear indicators for what is good and bad - just me. Just me, who let the world tell me who I was supposed to be, seeking to be told what to do and what to be next. So I started this new book without chapters, without an outline. And I Faulkner'd that ish. I stream of consciousness'd that ish so hard, that I'm only now trying to untangle what I did. I collected new characters, I got rid of some main ones, I revived some who I had killed off in the last book.

I think I've been looking for closure in my 20s, something to make me feel like 'okay, I kind of have my shit together. I have a clear understanding of what I want in life, and how my 30s will go'. But honestly, that's just not me. I'll never really understand myself, and maybe that's something I have to be willing to accept and embrace. I do know I am a creature of habit - that is one thing I am confident in - so this daily internal struggle to understand myself is probably the one thing that adds spontaneity in my life. It's the part of me who thinks, 'hey, maybe I really do want to trek the southern tip of South America for 4 days' and ends up actually loving it.

But let's be honest. Living in ignorant bliss and constant identity crisis is not cute anymore. The excuse of "I guess I'll never know myself" can only get me out of facing reality so much. I hate to compare myself to others (probably another excuse I gave myself at the start of the decade to avoid having goals and failing at them) but that is reality. There is just so much I chose to ignore, so much that I was too lazy to follow up on, so much I let go because I just didn't want to deal. I got by with the bare minimum, not believing that I deserved more. But I do. I hate admitting it, and I don't believe it yet, but I do. It's that "be the best version of myself" cliche,

The important thing though, is that I need to stop being motivated by my externalities. I had allowed others to define my "success" early on in my 20s, but instead of forcing myself to define my own success, I decided to just cut myself off from the world so I would no longer be subject to the judgment and vulnerability. Another loophole, another roundabout that put me in a loop like the Real Elliot (rip Mr. Robot you were the best thing I watched in the decade) - a cycle of monotony and routine. It's time to show up. This time next decade, I'll be pushing 40, and I'd hate to be stuck in this same cycle. Sure I'll probably be in another, but that means I ventured outside this one, changed, grew, and did something.

I don't want to forget and move on from my 2019 themes because I love them.
1. Self Love
2. Create More
3. Avoid Less

From 2020 onward, I want to wake up from this 28 year slumber and take control. That's my #1 theme this decade - wake the fuck up and smell the fucking coffee. Stop dwelling on pointless existential crises; stop waiting for someone to tell me what's next - write my own story.

2020 themes:
1. Forget Less: write it. be accountable. don't procrastinate.
2. Love Harder: self love 2.0. show up. want more. fight, not flight.
3. Do More: don't settle. act, don't think. push, be vulnerable.

I noticed in past posts, and even now, that I like to use 'you' in my narrative. It's like I wasn't even writing my own story. I loved reality TV because I can live others' stories. I probably won't stop watching them, because now I know it is a part of who I am.

But I can't let that define me, and I can't stop writing my own.

Japan 2019

So.. I quit my job last month. I done did it. And I finished making my decision. I think I made the right choice, but I won't know - ever, right? b/c I'll never actually know what it would have been like if I made another.

I read a book Dark Matter while I was in Japan, which was about a guy who is a scientist, and explores the "multiverse" in modern day. He gave up his research for his family and lived a normal life, but his alternate self from a parallel reality in which he gave up his family for his research, comes back and switches lives with him (sort of). Basically about how the choices we make shape who we become, blah blah blah.

It wasn't the best book, but that concept was pretty intriguing to me: the "would have" and "could have"s. My old boss once told me, that in some way, every decision you make is the best you could have made at that time. Only in hindsight does anyone feel regret over their decision (hindsight's always 20/20 right?). I always thought it was a bit naive to think like that, but it resonated with me because it was such a positive mindset to dealing with the fear of a possibly terrible outcome. #noregretz

That's how I feel about my decision to go to Japan. This was my first real solo vacation - I've travelled alone before but usually related to work. To really be in a different country, knowing I have nobody to come back home to, or get lunch with the next day to talk about my adventures - it was liberating and lonely. I remember singing to myself at the park because the silence was overwhelming. Also I think I low-key got pretty buzzed off one highball. There were definitely places where I wondered - this would be really great to experience with someone else.

And then there were moments when I was glad to be alone. Getting lost in Shimokitazawa in the rain, eating Soba near Jindai-ji temple after getting lost again, drinking a beer at a beer garden at golden hour as I decided to fuck the rest of my itinerary and go back to the hotel. Waiting only 40 mins as opposed to 2.5 hours for sushi b/c I was alone. I'm glad I got to do this solo, and I'm glad I chose this city for my solo trip. I don't think I learned anything new about myself except that I really loved the shrines and temples more than the big cities. Although I don't know if that's anything new, or more a confirmation of something I assumed about myself. Also, I'm actually not that bad at navigating. I was kind of hoping to have some grand self-actualization/realization/awakening there, but it's not something I was expecting, so I'm not disappointed. I guess that's one of those things that comes when you least expect it.

So first day jitters are real. I have yet to decide on an outfit. No pep talk either. I kind of wish I had another week of fun-employement, but I don't think that would dissolve my anxiety. I'm really trying to focus on appreciating and embracing change, and letting go of fear.. but it's one thing to set that intention in a yoga class, and another to practice it in real life. I'm trying to narrow down what my biggest fear is - making new friends? realizing I've made the wrong decision? hating the job? I think it is learning that I don't actually have imposter syndrome, and that I am indeed an imposter. I am afraid of being myself, and not being good enough as myself, and therefore becoming an imposter of sorts. And then being revealed as the imposter I am. See? It never ends in this brain.

Do I put on a female empowering anthem, and do the power stance in the mirror while I repeat "you are amazing"? No, if anything, that'd make me feel more like an imposter. Am I going to go through 3 more sections of your SQL bootcamp on Udemy to come in 100% prepared? No, who am I?

Will I watch Terrace House until 2am and not pack my bag for my orientation starting at 8am?

Probably. Gotta be myself, right?

hello old friend

Steven: Do you think watching too much Bravo makes you stupider
Yes. Yes it does.

How is it possible to forget this thing existed? This place to publish all my teenage angst. And fuck, I had so. much. angst. How is it possible to forget something that probably meant so much to me? Or did it? It must have. Even if I didn't know it at the time, I remember how much I relished in writing my feelings. Writing literally everything. 10 year ago me would also not use the word "literally" all the fucking time. But that's what happens when you start watching too much trash TV. And you literally become the people on your TV screen who you watch to feel better about yourself, only to find out that you are becoming those people. And you are becoming those people because you chose this life of escapism in reality.

I have this theory that I as I grew older, and became "adult", I realized I could no longer live in fantasy like I did my first ~22 years of life. So I chose to escape to reality TV, because at least that was real. And it's only now that I'm almost 30, I wonder, is that really even real? Or is reality what I wrote in this beautiful blog 10 years ago - contemplating existence, getting in philosophical arguments with myself over human nature, writing Shakespearean sonnets, quoting fucking Robert Frost and Thomas Hobbes, trying so hard to understand myself better, and hating myself for never getting there. I wish I can go back and tell 18 year old me - it's okay. that part still hasn't changed. They just have a phrase for it now: Imposter Syndrome.

My intention in yoga the other day was: You can always lose what you have, but you'll never lose what you are. I don't know why that spoke to me, so much that I had to tell Jacqueline about it that night, but it spoke to me. And I don't think I really understood why until she unearthed this gem. Because going through my past, I can't help but feel nostalgic for who I was. This tortured, dramatic, self-loathing soul who loved the world so much she didn't know how she fit into it. And it reminds me, that same girl is still in me - is still me. I missed you.

Last night, I quit my job.
Tomorrow, I have a 4 hour interview I should really be preparing for.
Friday, I have a big decision to make.

Tonight, I am reading blog posts from 2009, remembering how I was so angry, so cultured, so introspective... but how I never stopped watching too much TV, playing too many games, making too many promises to myself I'd never keep. So yes. hello old friend. it's you, it's always been you, and it literallyyyyyyyy still is you.

I just remembered that I used to have a blogspot. I figured it was linked to google so here I came... RACHEL! WE HAD A BLOG TOGETHER?? And it's so dramatic!! This is so crazy

someone like you in another life (yesterday was the time of our lives)

you look so tweaked

WIP

If I were to pick out the moment it all started
With you and me: shy, slow and mentally retarded
Used to live in darkness but now I’ve seen the light
Because every morning sunrise beat out all nights
That I spent not knowing, always just settling
Thought feelings can be learned, but now I just want it
Glowing, waiting, and obsessively meddling
Doubt is a disease, and in my mind it’s chronic
Infected by your virus that’s spreading to my dreams
Even my daydreams aren’t as hopeful as they seem
Day in and day out, I’m poisoned by thoughts of you
But never you and I, because dreams never come true

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

never thought the positive- only saw the negative
I'd only give what I receive; all other things were relative
the heart can trick the mind but the logic's irreversible
'cause it would keep beating, slowing when it came to you,
tears would keep falling, not a single memory's true
Every smile, weighed down, turned around into a frown,
Every laugh, calculated, infatuated by your manipulation
The memories warped, feelings unreciprocated
but after all this, my chains will be emancipated

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it






to be continued