2020

It's a new year decade, and since I saw so many 'decade challenge's, I wanted to look back on my headspace at the start of the last decade and found:

2010
I CLAIM THE FIRST POST OF THE YEAR BECAUSE JACQUELINE LIU HAS VIRTUALLY ABANDONED ANOREXIC TURTLE
just kidding, we both kind of did.

All I can say is, I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for me.  

1. find a major.

2. make myself proud.

3. wear color.

Honestly, thank God I found this blog again. It might have been one of my highlights of 2019, because halfway through the last decade, I really lost touch with myself. Not necessarily all bad, since people grow and change, but I had a hard time feeling grounded and motivated in anything that I did because I didn't know who I was and what I wanted.

I looked back on this blog and thought - wow, so many thoughts, so many feelings, but she really knew what kind of person she was and let herself be vulnerable to the world. But when I try to trace those thoughts and feelings back, I can't ever recall being confident. I had dreams, sure, but I never did much to realize them. Because once you chase your dreams, they're no longer dreams, right?

And when I look at my resolutions for 2010, I see someone who was lost, lacked confidence, and craved creativity. Sad to say, nothing really has changed except now the stakes are higher, and the longing goes deeper.

But on a more positive note, what did I do in my 20s?
1. Graduated college
2. Got a job
3. Got a boyfriend
4. Travelled internationally to the UK (3x), Amsterdam, Cambodia, Thailand, Singapore, Cabo, Philippines, Patagonia, Canada (3x), Spain, Japan, Korea
5. Got some new hobbies like camping, backpacking, practicing yoga, watching trashy reality TV
6. Went to a lot of music festivals: Coachella (2x), OutsideLands (2.5x), That one with K-theory, Hard Summer, Rolling Loud, Lightning in a Bottle
7. Saw a lot of concerts: Justin Bieber Purpose tour, Kendrick Lamar DAMN, Ariana Grande Sweetener/Thank u next (2x), Bryson Tiller
8. Tried new things like hang-gliding, snorkeling, paddle boarding, ATV riding, backpacking
9. Moved 6 times from Berkeley to Albany to Oakland to Emeryville to San Francisco

I think the first half of this decade was really about trying to find myself after college. College had this weird way of putting me in a bubble, creating structure, and allowing me to feel like I had goals and ambitions. It's easy to feel like you're working toward something when you have homework, deadlines, and grades. It's easy to feel like you know who you are when you lead an organization, and have extracurriculars, and are validated by people who look up to you. It was a big shock to my system when I graduated and the bubble popped. These things that once defined you - school, friends, sorority - become a thing of the past, and the path forward is like starting a new book. But now, there are no guidelines, there are no rules or expectations, there are no clear indicators for what is good and bad - just me. Just me, who let the world tell me who I was supposed to be, seeking to be told what to do and what to be next. So I started this new book without chapters, without an outline. And I Faulkner'd that ish. I stream of consciousness'd that ish so hard, that I'm only now trying to untangle what I did. I collected new characters, I got rid of some main ones, I revived some who I had killed off in the last book.

I think I've been looking for closure in my 20s, something to make me feel like 'okay, I kind of have my shit together. I have a clear understanding of what I want in life, and how my 30s will go'. But honestly, that's just not me. I'll never really understand myself, and maybe that's something I have to be willing to accept and embrace. I do know I am a creature of habit - that is one thing I am confident in - so this daily internal struggle to understand myself is probably the one thing that adds spontaneity in my life. It's the part of me who thinks, 'hey, maybe I really do want to trek the southern tip of South America for 4 days' and ends up actually loving it.

But let's be honest. Living in ignorant bliss and constant identity crisis is not cute anymore. The excuse of "I guess I'll never know myself" can only get me out of facing reality so much. I hate to compare myself to others (probably another excuse I gave myself at the start of the decade to avoid having goals and failing at them) but that is reality. There is just so much I chose to ignore, so much that I was too lazy to follow up on, so much I let go because I just didn't want to deal. I got by with the bare minimum, not believing that I deserved more. But I do. I hate admitting it, and I don't believe it yet, but I do. It's that "be the best version of myself" cliche,

The important thing though, is that I need to stop being motivated by my externalities. I had allowed others to define my "success" early on in my 20s, but instead of forcing myself to define my own success, I decided to just cut myself off from the world so I would no longer be subject to the judgment and vulnerability. Another loophole, another roundabout that put me in a loop like the Real Elliot (rip Mr. Robot you were the best thing I watched in the decade) - a cycle of monotony and routine. It's time to show up. This time next decade, I'll be pushing 40, and I'd hate to be stuck in this same cycle. Sure I'll probably be in another, but that means I ventured outside this one, changed, grew, and did something.

I don't want to forget and move on from my 2019 themes because I love them.
1. Self Love
2. Create More
3. Avoid Less

From 2020 onward, I want to wake up from this 28 year slumber and take control. That's my #1 theme this decade - wake the fuck up and smell the fucking coffee. Stop dwelling on pointless existential crises; stop waiting for someone to tell me what's next - write my own story.

2020 themes:
1. Forget Less: write it. be accountable. don't procrastinate.
2. Love Harder: self love 2.0. show up. want more. fight, not flight.
3. Do More: don't settle. act, don't think. push, be vulnerable.

I noticed in past posts, and even now, that I like to use 'you' in my narrative. It's like I wasn't even writing my own story. I loved reality TV because I can live others' stories. I probably won't stop watching them, because now I know it is a part of who I am.

But I can't let that define me, and I can't stop writing my own.

Japan 2019

So.. I quit my job last month. I done did it. And I finished making my decision. I think I made the right choice, but I won't know - ever, right? b/c I'll never actually know what it would have been like if I made another.

I read a book Dark Matter while I was in Japan, which was about a guy who is a scientist, and explores the "multiverse" in modern day. He gave up his research for his family and lived a normal life, but his alternate self from a parallel reality in which he gave up his family for his research, comes back and switches lives with him (sort of). Basically about how the choices we make shape who we become, blah blah blah.

It wasn't the best book, but that concept was pretty intriguing to me: the "would have" and "could have"s. My old boss once told me, that in some way, every decision you make is the best you could have made at that time. Only in hindsight does anyone feel regret over their decision (hindsight's always 20/20 right?). I always thought it was a bit naive to think like that, but it resonated with me because it was such a positive mindset to dealing with the fear of a possibly terrible outcome. #noregretz

That's how I feel about my decision to go to Japan. This was my first real solo vacation - I've travelled alone before but usually related to work. To really be in a different country, knowing I have nobody to come back home to, or get lunch with the next day to talk about my adventures - it was liberating and lonely. I remember singing to myself at the park because the silence was overwhelming. Also I think I low-key got pretty buzzed off one highball. There were definitely places where I wondered - this would be really great to experience with someone else.

And then there were moments when I was glad to be alone. Getting lost in Shimokitazawa in the rain, eating Soba near Jindai-ji temple after getting lost again, drinking a beer at a beer garden at golden hour as I decided to fuck the rest of my itinerary and go back to the hotel. Waiting only 40 mins as opposed to 2.5 hours for sushi b/c I was alone. I'm glad I got to do this solo, and I'm glad I chose this city for my solo trip. I don't think I learned anything new about myself except that I really loved the shrines and temples more than the big cities. Although I don't know if that's anything new, or more a confirmation of something I assumed about myself. Also, I'm actually not that bad at navigating. I was kind of hoping to have some grand self-actualization/realization/awakening there, but it's not something I was expecting, so I'm not disappointed. I guess that's one of those things that comes when you least expect it.

So first day jitters are real. I have yet to decide on an outfit. No pep talk either. I kind of wish I had another week of fun-employement, but I don't think that would dissolve my anxiety. I'm really trying to focus on appreciating and embracing change, and letting go of fear.. but it's one thing to set that intention in a yoga class, and another to practice it in real life. I'm trying to narrow down what my biggest fear is - making new friends? realizing I've made the wrong decision? hating the job? I think it is learning that I don't actually have imposter syndrome, and that I am indeed an imposter. I am afraid of being myself, and not being good enough as myself, and therefore becoming an imposter of sorts. And then being revealed as the imposter I am. See? It never ends in this brain.

Do I put on a female empowering anthem, and do the power stance in the mirror while I repeat "you are amazing"? No, if anything, that'd make me feel more like an imposter. Am I going to go through 3 more sections of your SQL bootcamp on Udemy to come in 100% prepared? No, who am I?

Will I watch Terrace House until 2am and not pack my bag for my orientation starting at 8am?

Probably. Gotta be myself, right?

hello old friend

Steven: Do you think watching too much Bravo makes you stupider
Yes. Yes it does.

How is it possible to forget this thing existed? This place to publish all my teenage angst. And fuck, I had so. much. angst. How is it possible to forget something that probably meant so much to me? Or did it? It must have. Even if I didn't know it at the time, I remember how much I relished in writing my feelings. Writing literally everything. 10 year ago me would also not use the word "literally" all the fucking time. But that's what happens when you start watching too much trash TV. And you literally become the people on your TV screen who you watch to feel better about yourself, only to find out that you are becoming those people. And you are becoming those people because you chose this life of escapism in reality.

I have this theory that I as I grew older, and became "adult", I realized I could no longer live in fantasy like I did my first ~22 years of life. So I chose to escape to reality TV, because at least that was real. And it's only now that I'm almost 30, I wonder, is that really even real? Or is reality what I wrote in this beautiful blog 10 years ago - contemplating existence, getting in philosophical arguments with myself over human nature, writing Shakespearean sonnets, quoting fucking Robert Frost and Thomas Hobbes, trying so hard to understand myself better, and hating myself for never getting there. I wish I can go back and tell 18 year old me - it's okay. that part still hasn't changed. They just have a phrase for it now: Imposter Syndrome.

My intention in yoga the other day was: You can always lose what you have, but you'll never lose what you are. I don't know why that spoke to me, so much that I had to tell Jacqueline about it that night, but it spoke to me. And I don't think I really understood why until she unearthed this gem. Because going through my past, I can't help but feel nostalgic for who I was. This tortured, dramatic, self-loathing soul who loved the world so much she didn't know how she fit into it. And it reminds me, that same girl is still in me - is still me. I missed you.

Last night, I quit my job.
Tomorrow, I have a 4 hour interview I should really be preparing for.
Friday, I have a big decision to make.

Tonight, I am reading blog posts from 2009, remembering how I was so angry, so cultured, so introspective... but how I never stopped watching too much TV, playing too many games, making too many promises to myself I'd never keep. So yes. hello old friend. it's you, it's always been you, and it literallyyyyyyyy still is you.

I just remembered that I used to have a blogspot. I figured it was linked to google so here I came... RACHEL! WE HAD A BLOG TOGETHER?? And it's so dramatic!! This is so crazy

someone like you in another life (yesterday was the time of our lives)

you look so tweaked

WIP

If I were to pick out the moment it all started
With you and me: shy, slow and mentally retarded
Used to live in darkness but now I’ve seen the light
Because every morning sunrise beat out all nights
That I spent not knowing, always just settling
Thought feelings can be learned, but now I just want it
Glowing, waiting, and obsessively meddling
Doubt is a disease, and in my mind it’s chronic
Infected by your virus that’s spreading to my dreams
Even my daydreams aren’t as hopeful as they seem
Day in and day out, I’m poisoned by thoughts of you
But never you and I, because dreams never come true

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

never thought the positive- only saw the negative
I'd only give what I receive; all other things were relative
the heart can trick the mind but the logic's irreversible
'cause it would keep beating, slowing when it came to you,
tears would keep falling, not a single memory's true
Every smile, weighed down, turned around into a frown,
Every laugh, calculated, infatuated by your manipulation
The memories warped, feelings unreciprocated
but after all this, my chains will be emancipated

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it






to be continued

I always assume the worst. I fucking hate that.

I'm always doubting everything & everyone. Can't fucking trust anyone, but that's all self perpetuated. I guess I like to just do this shit to myself, make myself feel so... hmm.. doubtful? skeptical? bitter? eternally betrayed for no apparent reason?

I now understand what "I give people the benefit of the doubt". because I realized I am the polar fuckin opposite. Assume the worst in everyone. Then they won't disappoint you right? No reason to get your hopes up and let people play ball with it.

What I mean is.

There is just no happy ending.

waking up is always the hardest part.

This is how I feel - but stretched out over a span of hours, days, weeks,.... who knows how long it'll be. I think I've been swimming in a dream these days. I'm not really sure for how long , over a week, less than a month,,. But in all honesty, lot has happened and a lot has changed in my life. And I guess by some transitive property shit, a lot has changed in me.

What a dream.

And now, looking back in my present moments of rehabilitation, I realize I never took into account the future. So I suppose this is it, this is what has become of my future. Not bad.. huh. I spoil over the past. I reel it over and over in my head. and then I wake up. And then I forget it all. And then I try to salvage the pieces, create a new reality. And it's like a dream in a dream . And I guess at one point all I could do was swim further. Just keep swimming, right? Just keep swimming... but no.

Really I have no regrets. For anything- this applies to everything. Hah, I hope when I reread this one day in many days, I still remember the people I've met, the things we did, the things we learned, and the things we failed to do. I feel like I learned a lot about myself- and at the same time, decided to neglect every part of it. I don't even know what that word is anymore. Self-destructive? haha I see..

Anyway. I can't help but to do what I do.. Constantly try to remember the past. So I sit and think... and think... and .. think. wonder, remember, laugh a little, smile a little, then remember the worst part- that this is just a memory. and that a memory is obsolete for a reason.

Haha, this is autosaved at 12:09. Watch this get posted an hour later. why? because this is kind of painful at the moment. I don't know, I guess I am waking up now, layer by layer and what was all an ignorant dream - apart from my memories i escape - they come crashing down. Because I can't stand to face the future before I confront them.

So I confront them. But no, they confront me, they remind me, they make me think. My thoughts are muddled, mugged my confrontation. and so- wherein lies the future

I was inspired by enya today when she said.. hold up: "don't think ugh why didn't I ____. just look forward" that's what it is huh. kind of makes sense i guess.

Haha, but really. I really must be Miss Self-Destruction at its finest. Didn't know my masochistic tendencies could be manifested in these ways.

Waking up, this is confusion

it's 411

in the whirlwind i can affectionately call my past few weeks, i've barely been able to sit back and just think and reflect like i used to do only, yknow, about 20 times a day. so here i am at 4:12 am, the day of my 2 midterms, one of which will most likely obliterate me and the other.. i could care less about. or i mean, i should care more about, but I really can't when econ and sigmas completely CONSUME me.

but this... what deja vue. this is something i WOULD do- procrastinate on opening my microeconomics book and studying for my impending doom to come in less than 7 hours.

what's the point?

it's never good enough.

i kid. not really. it really never is good enough, but only here will i ever admit that i am still proud of what i've accomplished in that class. just the fact that i never actually follow through on my threats to kill myself (+ everyone) is impressive, i think.

where'm i going with this? nowhere. I'm obviously dawdling time... holding off on reading about risk premiums, certainty equivalents, and actuarily fair insurance.

oh let me just shoot.

i have a lot of issues. inferiority issues, daddy issues, time management issues, anger issues.. you know, the list goes on. however, i think i am slowly (very slowly) but surely beginning to come to terms with these issues. i do honestly believe my weakest features are my strongest points. For example..? well my inferiority complex- this burning desire and need to prove myself and my worth, first of all, probably keeps me alive. daddy issues? i'm learning that they've taught me to be independent and self-sufficient. time management? nevermind, i'm still working on that (and very apparently failing). basically, i'm learning and growing. that's good right?..

today, i took my first astro midterm; i walked into the midterm having just crammed 6-7 hour long webcasts into 3 hours with no time to review all the material beforehand. i probably guessed on 2/3 of the questions, not knowing half of them at all. i came out certain that i would go back home at the end of the day and make this class pass/no pass. instead, i checked my scores and saw a 21/25.

yeah, i'm gloating. i'm allowed to because it's my blog. but wow- i am proud. and i am NEVER proud of myself. truth be told, i most likely just got very lucky with all my guesses, but i have not felt this feeling of success in a very long time. i admit that i am perpetually wrapped up in a cocoon of self-loathing, discouragement, and negativity. i can't help it; it's just another one of my issues.

where am i going with this...

i guess bottom line is.. yes, i got lucky with astro. this does not mean i will get lucky with econ, soc, or stats. but this gives me hope, and i can really use some of that right now... honestly, though, i bust my ASS for econ on any given day. maybe not right now, but any other day, i am throwing myself into that motherfucking class, and though i have yet to come out triumphant, godDAMN does it feel good to try. i do bitch, moan, groan, and whine about it only all the time, but to live with a purpose- what a bliss.

the funny thing is, some days, i find myself smiling to myself for no real apparent reason at all. (and yes, this is rare)

i guess... maybe i'm finally finding happiness?

nah.

that can't be...

-4:45 i'm out

ps: yes i am pledging a sorority. color the world shocked, i may just be defying every law of the universe by doing this.. but i. will. never. forfeit.

When I wonder why I can't be happy, I come to a conclusion that I find it impossible to love myself.

I find it impossible to love myself because I love no one.

I love no one because I avoid emotion.

I avoid emotion because it is usually not happiness.

And thus, I live my miserable, empty, meaningless life.

Back to square 1

As I lie wide awake in bed at 3:36 AM after a full night of napping and being immobile, I figure this is the best time to recollect and reflect on my first year in college. This post will either end up being too lengthy, disorganized, and scattered, or I might give up quite early and curtail this entry when I get tired of it.

I suppose chronologically is the most logical way to go about this.

I often tried to imagine how I would turn out after my first year. What activities will I be involved in? How will my grades turn out? Will I gain or lose the freshman 15? I came in with goals and dreams: I was going to join the rugby team, join some organization of interest, make some new white friends, take vocal lessons, study film and media, and ultimately work at NBC.

One by one, I vaguely attempted to complete each goal; I actively looked into women's rugby, went to practice, and then never again. I got interested in Korean drumming, went on the club's retreat, and then never again. I hung around the music building to scope out the choirs and opportunities, and then just let it die. Coco moved to LA, lessening my incentives to work at NBC- either as a writer or business-wise. After only about a month or two after school started, pragmatism set in once more. It is then I realized: What can I do with a film studies major and why would I pursue it and Berkeley? The department wasn't even that strong, and didn't offer a wide enough variety of classes.

Meanwhile my lifestyle was atrocious. I went to almost no classes, woke up past noon every day, blazed all day, did no work, slept horrendously late. By the first month of school, I was already notoriously the slacker who never went to class and barely got her work in on time. In fact, what I did until maybe around late November is a blur of just a lot of GRASS, ALCCY, SHOPPING and SLEEP.

I imagine if I look back to my posts from first semester, they are probably all extremely depressing, aimless, soulless, despairing, and hopeless. I really lost it. I lost a sense of myself in it too. I look back and hold only pity and regret for my thoughtless, empty lifestyle.

As first semester ended, I had started trying to re-develop myself. It was a small improvement, but one that probably saved me from plummeting down further my path of derailment. Thus, I began second semester anew: new goals, new dreams, new me. I was going to just push myself into studying economics and go into business from there. I figured a decision in a direction is better than no direction at all. I had already forgotten about my other dreams- ones of being actively healthy, involved, and social, but I had at least set a higher academic goal for myself. Thus, I married my studies.

Yet, there was (and always will be) room for improvement. Vast improvement. Sure, I "studied" more. I attended most of my classes. I participated a little more in class. The results were evident in some classes (ie, psych150) but not in others (ie, fuckin econ1). It wasn't until way later, specifically on my birthday 5/6/2010, that I realized I had been going about it wrong- that I never grasped how to study, never analyzed what I was doing wrong all semester, and thus never really learned. Another semester wasted. And now, my GPA is just not good enough to be the econ major I was set on being; essentially, while I compensated for my lack of academic dedication, decision-making, and determination first semester by tripling the amount of studying and drastically cutting down the partying, it was too late. My fallacies first semester, and my further ignorance and blind stubbornness rendered me incapable of reaching the goal I set 2nd semester.

Still, second semester was not a total waste. I began studying days in advance. I began organizing my calendar and changing my sleeping patterns. I became more informed and I did learn much from all my classes.

But putting academics and my activities (or lack thereof) aside, my biggest disappointment is my failure as a person. The only aspect I can say I improved myself on is my decision to start making decisions and following through- and that didn't even turn out well because I failed to follow through. I became increasingly exclusive, introverted, and unsocial throughout the year. I dropped every activity from my original list. I learned to only see the downsides of things. I became closed-minded. I only studied (and that I did not even do well.) I became even more distrustful, bitter, and resentful towards other people. I embraced my ultra-pessimist.

In the very end, I know that my B- in Math16A or Econ1 will not ruin me; my transformation into this negative, narrow-minded, cold-hearted, unfeeling, and antisocial being will be my ultimate downfall. What I need to do is harness a new mindset, personality, and demeanor that honors the boundless curiosity and openness of pre-college Rachel, and set no boundaries to where my mind can go. I know I make these goals and dreams before every semester, but this year, I want to transcend all previous 18 years of my life. I will not let my mistakes ruin me. Yes, they will continue to haunt me for a very long time, as long as I am in school, but they have been made and there will be more to make in the future. For now, all I can do is look toward the future and live for it.

I don't know if it's the late night/morning deliriousness of not being able to sleep all night (yes, very hard times. jacqueline and I are forced to go a week on virtually no weed) but the future that I usually view as dreadfully bleak glimmers vaguely with hope. I figure that despite the cruelty of my current circumstances, the best I have to live for is the future. Yes, the future is bleak. But the future is the the future because it is changeable. Most importantly, the future is determined by nothing and nobody but me.

So what- I may have wasted a year. I may have gotten into a lot of shit the past year. I may have developed addictions. I may have spent too much money. I may have come out with an insufficient GPA. I may have lost friends and lost touch with people I once held dear. I may have lost myself in it all, lost myself in my mental dilemmas and aimlessness. But hope lies in the fact that there IS a future. I build myself on my mistakes- always. At least that's a characteristic I hope I will NEVER lose.

It's time to start dreaming again.

Words of advice

So remember, life is not Econ. Econ is not life.
Life is loving and giving and doing and helping and enjoying and
appreciating and changing and thanking.

-Martha L. Olney,
Spring'10 Economics professor, night before the final that will ultimately destroy me

Inspire me.

After finals, (and the very thorough celebration I will enjoy), I think it's imperative I reconsider my future. Did I force myself into something virtually impossible for me to grasp? There are things I am inherently incapable of doing, like biology or chemistry... what if I am chasing something I am not meant to do?

But do such incapabilities exist? Is the human potential all encompassing?

In essence, I am torn between idealism and pragmatism; furthermore, I am struck with this unavoidable, nagging burden of incompetence, failure, and hopelessness that outweighs any ambition, confidence, and motivation I gained this semester. Nonetheless, this is not an issue of my choices and overtly demanding mentality of this semester (self reflection can incur more harm than good). This is fundamentally an issue of worth - of fulfilling my duty to individuality, identity, and actualization. All in all, it is the lithe notion of destiny. Before I can accomplish my duty to the world - physical, social, environmental, economic, etc - I must identify my purpose and adhere to my devoid being. I cannot fathom whether my education exposed me to this inevitable search for meaning or forced me to forfeit the slightest implication of meaning I inherited, but every day, I contemplate my place in this detached world and plummet further down the twisting, intricate path of devastation I affectionately acknowledge as my existence. Eventually, I hope to crawl out and entangle myself into the world, but firstly, I must impel my mind to take initiative to overcome my desensitization and to wholly apply itself in its rare encounters with reality.

meanwhile... happy birthday to me! One year passed, one less to go... let this be as enriching as the last and I have GOT to stop having thoughts.

Spelbound - Britain's Got Talent 2010 - Auditions Week 2

Hella fucking crazy... had no idea such talent existed D:

Dear blogspot,

I realize I left you for tumblr, but I cannot say I ever really intended to do so. I miss writing like this- with full, complete sentences constructed at varying lengths. Like how English is meant to be written.

Ah yes, I did leave your traditions for that new and modernized tumblr- this much is true. "Why tumblr?" your desperate eyes cry. I don't know. Maybe I thought that because she was something everyone used, blogging would come back in. In like fashion, yaddiggg?? And I suppose it has- I mean, people find it easier to keep up with the things I write now, but really, I think I've always given you stronger content. I married Tumblr out of convenience; you can text short little messages to her (so quick & easy!), but now that it comes down to stress and anger, I have reappeared on this website. Because this is the place where I can write like this. This is home. So I'm sorry anorexicturtle.blogspot.com- I abandoned you. Like a bastard father leaving his children behind (Like Serena van der Woodsen's father [yes, I just made a Gossip Girl reference]), I suddenly returned and wounded your fragile heart without a warning.

And there is no forgiveness for I am not back for good. I realize I'm just toying with your heart, coming in when I'm falling and leaving as soon as I have healed. I leave you with no promises, no hopes, and dreams. So you don't need to welcome me with open arms because I realize I treat you like a safety net; you don't need to be here for me because I know it strains your emotions.
It is unfair, and I apologize.

But I missed you. I love you.

Jackie.

melancholy

insipid
curled up, bent up
to question is to show weakness- to question is to show insecurity
don't look back
don't regret
a song without words
a word without meaning

a body without blood
a heart without soul
a soul without purpose

to live with a cause
to die without one

yay area

Spring break has commenced! Chaos! But not... Berkeley is strangely empty and quiet. Honestly, I am enjoying every moment of it puahaha. Anyway today, on my way to Emeryville, I got off at the wrong bus stop and ended up in front of Pixar Studios. Ah, interesting the random shit that always ends up happening in my journeys to Emeryville.

We have also just secured an apartment for next year! And yes, the owner is a sex offender and trafficking fraud, but umm... the apartment is nice? In the end, we figured there was no way out- this man owns a good portion of the properties in southside.

Also, I have made a tumblr of my own, since Jacqo decided to take our domain name
Γ(=_=)" (haha) but it's okay. so for you, jerry, my only reader (:X)...

http://focho.tumblr.com

I basically made it for the sole purpose of sending pictures to the computer efficiently. Now I can record the randomass shit I take pictures of to the internet! Yippee!!!

Yesterday, I sat down and figured out my 4 year plan... it was immensely gratifying. Yeah it was IMMENSELY gratifying. It also made me more sure I'll stay in Berkeley for the summer, even if it means having to part from my beloved community college (and the best community college in the country) and my fwends D: but I will try to acquire a car and make my way in and out of the city frequently yesssssssss.........

Sigh... the things I do to please my readers HAHA. my second post dedicated to jerry li. anyway, I'm sorry for the pretty subpar writing here... if you must know, I am kind of like a red kite in the sky, and Hassan is runnin me pretty hard. puahaha (yeah, Kite Runner reference wassaaaaP)

PEACE LOVE UNITY AND RESPECT

aimless

getting swallowed in the wind tunnel
losing parts every day

2010

I CLAIM THE FIRST POST OF THE YEAR BECAUSE JACQUELINE LIU HAS VIRTUALLY ABANDONED ANOREXIC TURTLE

just kidding, we both kind of did.

Anyway, I guess I better make the typical new years resolution post.

looking back, here's last year's:
1. Get license
2. Never miss appointments
3. Use planner
4. Maximum of 2 hours for games per day
5. Don't borrow money
6. Stop depending on Jon Stewart for the news
7. Work out.
8. Follow to-do lists and self-made schedules
9. only 1 tardy per week
10. Suit up

It's really funny that the only thing I really succeeded in was number 1. And that took a lot more effort than it needed.

A lot of things happened in 2009 and things turned out the way I never imagined them to. Did I see myself spoiling away in Berkeley, depending on a biosphere class to keep from failing out of school? Or getting Charizard? Or being homeless? No. But overall, I've had a great year. And now, despite the hard times and the regrets, I can only look forward to a new year, a new beginning, a new life...

All I can say is, I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for me.

1. find a major.
2. make myself proud.
3. wear color.

that's basically everything on my mind for now... the rest, well, the specifics will figure themselves out.

happy new years, anorexic turtle. wish me luck