And alas, I am not all so pathetic.
Today, as I was sitting on the couch daydreaming, I thought to myself, wow, I really do miss human contact. Well, not exactly human contact. I mean, I miss contact from a few people. And I miss people. I miss TFC-even the damn table itself. I miss my wife, my mother, my other mother, my father, my ex-violin teacher, my 5th grade teacher, my sanity...
Anyhow, these thoughts are reassuring as I study (relentlessly) for my psych midterm. I just started studying a little less than an hour ago with many distractions but I'm not worried because, well, I'm an insomniac.
The point is that I do have feelings! And I don't know why you'd ever want to let go of these, Jacqueline, because the air's cleaner here. Do you see this positivity here? That's called Rachel turning over a new leaf. Optimism FTW.
Peace! And may the force be with me on this midterm... I think I actually need it
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
good genes.
recently, I crashed my (not mine, a friend's) bike into a pole. I fell and bled. Making a fuss, I took a shower with one hand today, skived off of doing the dishes, went through 3 band-aids, watched it turn a strange greenish hue, and finally decided to let the scar sit nude and uncared for. I proceeded with my day, reading Twilight (which I hate to admit is quite a page turner) and watching Grey's Anatomy, carefully abandoning this nuisance on the palm of my left hand but I found myself subconsciously feeling this circular scar repeatedly. I am not a freak with a scar fetish. But the feeling of this hardened, dead, green, sunken skin on my hand is so foreign and alien that I think I am secretly fascinated by it despite the petulant whining and dramatic displays of handicap.
I have nobody to blame for my incapability of getting a 5 on the AP test. yes, I know, I should be disowned from the Asian race. Things like this shouldn't be discussed so publicly on a blog- I know. And most of all, I have no right whatsoever to blame this on anybody but myself. I saw it coming. I brought this on myself. I so lazily didn't bother opening AP books or even the sodding textbook. I so foolishly didn't bother even worrying about the exam, egotistically thinking that it was impossible not to get a 5 with a teacher like Korsunsky and the workload like Lynbrook's AP Calculus BC class. And, as much as I'd like to, I can't blame Collegeboard for this. They did nothing but give me a damn test, fail me, and then send me mails to shove up my ass. I deserved a 4 on the AP test. I think if anybody didn't deserve a 5, it was me. I know it. I have no right to complain here. Nor elsewhere. I have no right to complain, period, about anything.
So why am I? Why do I complain about a scar that I actually secretly enjoy fondling? Why do I complain about something that I KNOW I have no right to complain about? I don't like to complain. I hate complainers and I hate to be a hypocrite (but yet we all are hypocrites). I hate the sound of my voice when I complain. Why?
Because I hate people. I hate humankind. It is despicable. I know I sound like a "raging, liberal teenager" and an emo kid dreaming of world destruction. But I hate the things that happen to me. I hate people I meet. I also hate it when I get envious. It really is an awful feeling. You know those people you just meet and you think, god, this person got all the good genes. There is nothing that can possibly go wrong for this person. This person is essentially perfect. The world turns for this person. Who wouldn't be envious? Why can't everyone be like this?
This also makes you think, did I ever even have the potential to be this person? Or is everything in my life already destined to fail while this person's life is destined to succeed? Could I have been a Sarah Chang if I worked hard on my violin or is that something that was never meant for me to do? Because if that's so, then yes, I do have a right to complain.
What have I ever done. Can any dumbass be a genius? It's not fair that my house is always infested with bugs. It's not fair that some people can live life as lethargically as I do and still get by. It's not fair that some people were just born with good genes. It's not fair that nothing, nothing this past year has gone right for me except grades and really, what good is that for me. I have killed myself a little inside for a piece of paper with 6 As on them and really, was it worth it? I have lost my ability to drive, thereby losing my path to freedom, I have lost time, money and stress on SATs that did me no good, I have lost my zeal and love, my overflowing optimism, my forgiving nature, my loving, caring persona, my fascination with mankind. I have sacrificed them all, spread them all out neatly on a platform for the damned Gods like lamb, I have been dehumanized to every molecule there is in this empty, vile corpse I lived in for a few good grades and a lifetime of pessimism. I lost friends, I lost family, I lost people who I loved and cared for, I lost reasons to smile for a small chance to show that maybe I do have a few good genes. And after all you've taken from me, after sacrificing everything I had that made me who I always was, the only things I am rewarded with are these new pair of eyes that can see how morally, mentally, and emotionally destructed I am. And all I've got to lose now is my dignity.
Hello, world, I am Rachel. I hate things because I no longer feel pain. I complain about things because I no longer have hope. Please give me back my rose colored glasses.
I am also very sorry about this psychotic post. These things should go into a private diary locked in some obscure corner of my desk but I'm also classless and melodramatic.
But at least it's out now and I can go back to my happy posts :D you know, when I talk about my life and things that are on my mind. Now it's out of the system and you'll never have to see something so repulsively emo again. So peace-
I have nobody to blame for my incapability of getting a 5 on the AP test. yes, I know, I should be disowned from the Asian race. Things like this shouldn't be discussed so publicly on a blog- I know. And most of all, I have no right whatsoever to blame this on anybody but myself. I saw it coming. I brought this on myself. I so lazily didn't bother opening AP books or even the sodding textbook. I so foolishly didn't bother even worrying about the exam, egotistically thinking that it was impossible not to get a 5 with a teacher like Korsunsky and the workload like Lynbrook's AP Calculus BC class. And, as much as I'd like to, I can't blame Collegeboard for this. They did nothing but give me a damn test, fail me, and then send me mails to shove up my ass. I deserved a 4 on the AP test. I think if anybody didn't deserve a 5, it was me. I know it. I have no right to complain here. Nor elsewhere. I have no right to complain, period, about anything.
So why am I? Why do I complain about a scar that I actually secretly enjoy fondling? Why do I complain about something that I KNOW I have no right to complain about? I don't like to complain. I hate complainers and I hate to be a hypocrite (but yet we all are hypocrites). I hate the sound of my voice when I complain. Why?
Because I hate people. I hate humankind. It is despicable. I know I sound like a "raging, liberal teenager" and an emo kid dreaming of world destruction. But I hate the things that happen to me. I hate people I meet. I also hate it when I get envious. It really is an awful feeling. You know those people you just meet and you think, god, this person got all the good genes. There is nothing that can possibly go wrong for this person. This person is essentially perfect. The world turns for this person. Who wouldn't be envious? Why can't everyone be like this?
This also makes you think, did I ever even have the potential to be this person? Or is everything in my life already destined to fail while this person's life is destined to succeed? Could I have been a Sarah Chang if I worked hard on my violin or is that something that was never meant for me to do? Because if that's so, then yes, I do have a right to complain.
What have I ever done. Can any dumbass be a genius? It's not fair that my house is always infested with bugs. It's not fair that some people can live life as lethargically as I do and still get by. It's not fair that some people were just born with good genes. It's not fair that nothing, nothing this past year has gone right for me except grades and really, what good is that for me. I have killed myself a little inside for a piece of paper with 6 As on them and really, was it worth it? I have lost my ability to drive, thereby losing my path to freedom, I have lost time, money and stress on SATs that did me no good, I have lost my zeal and love, my overflowing optimism, my forgiving nature, my loving, caring persona, my fascination with mankind. I have sacrificed them all, spread them all out neatly on a platform for the damned Gods like lamb, I have been dehumanized to every molecule there is in this empty, vile corpse I lived in for a few good grades and a lifetime of pessimism. I lost friends, I lost family, I lost people who I loved and cared for, I lost reasons to smile for a small chance to show that maybe I do have a few good genes. And after all you've taken from me, after sacrificing everything I had that made me who I always was, the only things I am rewarded with are these new pair of eyes that can see how morally, mentally, and emotionally destructed I am. And all I've got to lose now is my dignity.
Hello, world, I am Rachel. I hate things because I no longer feel pain. I complain about things because I no longer have hope. Please give me back my rose colored glasses.
I am also very sorry about this psychotic post. These things should go into a private diary locked in some obscure corner of my desk but I'm also classless and melodramatic.
But at least it's out now and I can go back to my happy posts :D you know, when I talk about my life and things that are on my mind. Now it's out of the system and you'll never have to see something so repulsively emo again. So peace-
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