It's a new
2010
I CLAIM THE FIRST POST OF THE YEAR BECAUSE JACQUELINE LIU HAS VIRTUALLY ABANDONED ANOREXIC TURTLE
just kidding, we both kind of did.
All I can say is, I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for me.
1. find a major.
2. make myself proud.
3. wear color.Honestly, thank God I found this blog again. It might have been one of my highlights of 2019, because halfway through the last decade, I really lost touch with myself. Not necessarily all bad, since people grow and change, but I had a hard time feeling grounded and motivated in anything that I did because I didn't know who I was and what I wanted.
I looked back on this blog and thought - wow, so many thoughts, so many feelings, but she really knew what kind of person she was and let herself be vulnerable to the world. But when I try to trace those thoughts and feelings back, I can't ever recall being confident. I had dreams, sure, but I never did much to realize them. Because once you chase your dreams, they're no longer dreams, right?
And when I look at my resolutions for 2010, I see someone who was lost, lacked confidence, and craved creativity. Sad to say, nothing really has changed except now the stakes are higher, and the longing goes deeper.
But on a more positive note, what did I do in my 20s?
1. Graduated college
2. Got a job
3. Got a boyfriend
4. Travelled internationally to the UK (3x), Amsterdam, Cambodia, Thailand, Singapore, Cabo, Philippines, Patagonia, Canada (3x), Spain, Japan, Korea
5. Got some new hobbies like camping, backpacking, practicing yoga, watching trashy reality TV
6. Went to a lot of music festivals: Coachella (2x), OutsideLands (2.5x), That one with K-theory, Hard Summer, Rolling Loud, Lightning in a Bottle
7. Saw a lot of concerts: Justin Bieber Purpose tour, Kendrick Lamar DAMN, Ariana Grande Sweetener/Thank u next (2x), Bryson Tiller
8. Tried new things like hang-gliding, snorkeling, paddle boarding, ATV riding, backpacking
9. Moved 6 times from Berkeley to Albany to Oakland to Emeryville to San Francisco
I think the first half of this decade was really about trying to find myself after college. College had this weird way of putting me in a bubble, creating structure, and allowing me to feel like I had goals and ambitions. It's easy to feel like you're working toward something when you have homework, deadlines, and grades. It's easy to feel like you know who you are when you lead an organization, and have extracurriculars, and are validated by people who look up to you. It was a big shock to my system when I graduated and the bubble popped. These things that once defined you - school, friends, sorority - become a thing of the past, and the path forward is like starting a new book. But now, there are no guidelines, there are no rules or expectations, there are no clear indicators for what is good and bad - just me. Just me, who let the world tell me who I was supposed to be, seeking to be told what to do and what to be next. So I started this new book without chapters, without an outline. And I Faulkner'd that ish. I stream of consciousness'd that ish so hard, that I'm only now trying to untangle what I did. I collected new characters, I got rid of some main ones, I revived some who I had killed off in the last book.
I think I've been looking for closure in my 20s, something to make me feel like 'okay, I kind of have my shit together. I have a clear understanding of what I want in life, and how my 30s will go'. But honestly, that's just not me. I'll never really understand myself, and maybe that's something I have to be willing to accept and embrace. I do know I am a creature of habit - that is one thing I am confident in - so this daily internal struggle to understand myself is probably the one thing that adds spontaneity in my life. It's the part of me who thinks, 'hey, maybe I really do want to trek the southern tip of South America for 4 days' and ends up actually loving it.
But let's be honest. Living in ignorant bliss and constant identity crisis is not cute anymore. The excuse of "I guess I'll never know myself" can only get me out of facing reality so much. I hate to compare myself to others (probably another excuse I gave myself at the start of the decade to avoid having goals and failing at them) but that is reality. There is just so much I chose to ignore, so much that I was too lazy to follow up on, so much I let go because I just didn't want to deal. I got by with the bare minimum, not believing that I deserved more. But I do. I hate admitting it, and I don't believe it yet, but I do. It's that "be the best version of myself" cliche,
The important thing though, is that I need to stop being motivated by my externalities. I had allowed others to define my "success" early on in my 20s, but instead of forcing myself to define my own success, I decided to just cut myself off from the world so I would no longer be subject to the judgment and vulnerability. Another loophole, another roundabout that put me in a loop like the Real Elliot (rip Mr. Robot you were the best thing I watched in the decade) - a cycle of monotony and routine. It's time to show up. This time next decade, I'll be pushing 40, and I'd hate to be stuck in this same cycle. Sure I'll probably be in another, but that means I ventured outside this one, changed, grew, and did something.
I don't want to forget and move on from my 2019 themes because I love them.
1. Self Love
2. Create More
3. Avoid Less
From 2020 onward, I want to wake up from this 28 year slumber and take control. That's my #1 theme this decade - wake the fuck up and smell the fucking coffee. Stop dwelling on pointless existential crises; stop waiting for someone to tell me what's next - write my own story.
2020 themes:
1. Forget Less: write it. be accountable. don't procrastinate.
2. Love Harder: self love 2.0. show up. want more. fight, not flight.
3. Do More: don't settle. act, don't think. push, be vulnerable.
I noticed in past posts, and even now, that I like to use 'you' in my narrative. It's like I wasn't even writing my own story. I loved reality TV because I can live others' stories. I probably won't stop watching them, because now I know it is a part of who I am.
But I can't let that define me, and I can't stop writing my own.
