the feeling of senioritis rushing through my veins is not a good one. The feeling is familiar. It is me walking around school or wherever, not knowing where I'm going, why I'm going, and how I'm going... kind of drained the purpose of living from me and that was the only thing that kept me going. Kind of like those fish that died because they took out the sharks because what's the point of living when there's nothing to live for- survival. And I always needed a goal, a purpose, and not one that I make up for myself because I know down there that it's a fake one and I need the complete truth to convince myself of the truth. So I can't shoot for that 4.0 because I know in my heart that it means nothing to me- anymore, that is. I also remember being surrounded by those zombie-like seniors last year, yearning to feel what they felt with no worries or stress but senioritis is a dubbed a disease for a reason. it's like those viruses that see you're a-okay so it does whatever it can to fuck you up and I doubt there's actually a virus that does that or if there is then surprise me. But you know what I mean? It's like you say you have no troubles, so you go out and make yourself more trouble. That's human nature? is it? because that is the worst punishment God can give to mankind. I think satisfaction is the greatest feeling on Earth, and I think it is the greatest because it is the most unattainable. My brain is empty.
In my free time I like to ponder a lot of things like religion or human behaviour, especially my own because there is nobody I want to know better than myself. And after studying myself and the things I do and the things I say, I come to a conclusion that man is inherently evil- like Hobbes said. And though when we learned him, I thought, what a man, what a cynic, what a blubbering pessimist, it feels correct. sometimes, I can't differentiate a lie from the truth, especially the ones I say myself because by then, I've convinced myself that I am ultimately correct. It's either a defense mechanism or just a really bad ego but it's the constant self-justification that undercuts all my actions. And by then, my actions are what they truly are- acts. So I dig, but the further I dig, the more my actions become even deeper acts, and the hole only gets bigger and wider and all encompassing.
everything's to happen after watching spaceships crash into outerspace matter for two hours and loving every bit of it; live long and prosper
i also wonder why there are always so many spring birthdays.
