Steven: Do you think watching too much Bravo makes you stupider
Yes. Yes it does.
How is it possible to forget this thing existed? This place to publish all my teenage angst. And fuck, I had so. much. angst. How is it possible to forget something that probably meant so much to me? Or did it? It must have. Even if I didn't know it at the time, I remember how much I relished in writing my feelings. Writing literally everything. 10 year ago me would also not use the word "literally" all the fucking time. But that's what happens when you start watching too much trash TV. And you literally become the people on your TV screen who you watch to feel better about yourself, only to find out that you are becoming those people. And you are becoming those people because you chose this life of escapism in reality.
I have this theory that I as I grew older, and became "adult", I realized I could no longer live in fantasy like I did my first ~22 years of life. So I chose to escape to reality TV, because at least that was real. And it's only now that I'm almost 30, I wonder, is that really even real? Or is reality what I wrote in this beautiful blog 10 years ago - contemplating existence, getting in philosophical arguments with myself over human nature, writing Shakespearean sonnets, quoting fucking Robert Frost and Thomas Hobbes, trying so hard to understand myself better, and hating myself for never getting there. I wish I can go back and tell 18 year old me - it's okay. that part still hasn't changed. They just have a phrase for it now: Imposter Syndrome.
My intention in yoga the other day was: You can always lose what you have, but you'll never lose what you are. I don't know why that spoke to me, so much that I had to tell Jacqueline about it that night, but it spoke to me. And I don't think I really understood why until she unearthed this gem. Because going through my past, I can't help but feel nostalgic for who I was. This tortured, dramatic, self-loathing soul who loved the world so much she didn't know how she fit into it. And it reminds me, that same girl is still in me - is still me. I missed you.
Last night, I quit my job.
Tomorrow, I have a 4 hour interview I should really be preparing for.
Friday, I have a big decision to make.
Tonight, I am reading blog posts from 2009, remembering how I was so angry, so cultured, so introspective... but how I never stopped watching too much TV, playing too many games, making too many promises to myself I'd never keep. So yes. hello old friend. it's you, it's always been you, and it literallyyyyyyyy still is you.
