in the whirlwind i can affectionately call my past few weeks, i've barely been able to sit back and just think and reflect like i used to do only, yknow, about 20 times a day. so here i am at 4:12 am, the day of my 2 midterms, one of which will most likely obliterate me and the other.. i could care less about. or i mean, i should care more about, but I really can't when econ and sigmas completely CONSUME me.
but this... what deja vue. this is something i WOULD do- procrastinate on opening my microeconomics book and studying for my impending doom to come in less than 7 hours.
what's the point?
it's never good enough.
i kid. not really. it really never is good enough, but only here will i ever admit that i am still proud of what i've accomplished in that class. just the fact that i never actually follow through on my threats to kill myself (+ everyone) is impressive, i think.
where'm i going with this? nowhere. I'm obviously dawdling time... holding off on reading about risk premiums, certainty equivalents, and actuarily fair insurance.
oh let me just shoot.
i have a lot of issues. inferiority issues, daddy issues, time management issues, anger issues.. you know, the list goes on. however, i think i am slowly (very slowly) but surely beginning to come to terms with these issues. i do honestly believe my weakest features are my strongest points. For example..? well my inferiority complex- this burning desire and need to prove myself and my worth, first of all, probably keeps me alive. daddy issues? i'm learning that they've taught me to be independent and self-sufficient. time management? nevermind, i'm still working on that (and very apparently failing). basically, i'm learning and growing. that's good right?..
today, i took my first astro midterm; i walked into the midterm having just crammed 6-7 hour long webcasts into 3 hours with no time to review all the material beforehand. i probably guessed on 2/3 of the questions, not knowing half of them at all. i came out certain that i would go back home at the end of the day and make this class pass/no pass. instead, i checked my scores and saw a 21/25.
yeah, i'm gloating. i'm allowed to because it's my blog. but wow- i am proud. and i am NEVER proud of myself. truth be told, i most likely just got very lucky with all my guesses, but i have not felt this feeling of success in a very long time. i admit that i am perpetually wrapped up in a cocoon of self-loathing, discouragement, and negativity. i can't help it; it's just another one of my issues.
where am i going with this...
i guess bottom line is.. yes, i got lucky with astro. this does not mean i will get lucky with econ, soc, or stats. but this gives me hope, and i can really use some of that right now... honestly, though, i bust my ASS for econ on any given day. maybe not right now, but any other day, i am throwing myself into that motherfucking class, and though i have yet to come out triumphant, godDAMN does it feel good to try. i do bitch, moan, groan, and whine about it only all the time, but to live with a purpose- what a bliss.
the funny thing is, some days, i find myself smiling to myself for no real apparent reason at all. (and yes, this is rare)
i guess... maybe i'm finally finding happiness?
nah.
that can't be...
-4:45 i'm out
ps: yes i am pledging a sorority. color the world shocked, i may just be defying every law of the universe by doing this.. but i. will. never. forfeit.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
When I wonder why I can't be happy, I come to a conclusion that I find it impossible to love myself.
I find it impossible to love myself because I love no one.
I love no one because I avoid emotion.
I avoid emotion because it is usually not happiness.
And thus, I live my miserable, empty, meaningless life.
I find it impossible to love myself because I love no one.
I love no one because I avoid emotion.
I avoid emotion because it is usually not happiness.
And thus, I live my miserable, empty, meaningless life.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Back to square 1
As I lie wide awake in bed at 3:36 AM after a full night of napping and being immobile, I figure this is the best time to recollect and reflect on my first year in college. This post will either end up being too lengthy, disorganized, and scattered, or I might give up quite early and curtail this entry when I get tired of it.
I suppose chronologically is the most logical way to go about this.
I often tried to imagine how I would turn out after my first year. What activities will I be involved in? How will my grades turn out? Will I gain or lose the freshman 15? I came in with goals and dreams: I was going to join the rugby team, join some organization of interest, make some new white friends, take vocal lessons, study film and media, and ultimately work at NBC.
One by one, I vaguely attempted to complete each goal; I actively looked into women's rugby, went to practice, and then never again. I got interested in Korean drumming, went on the club's retreat, and then never again. I hung around the music building to scope out the choirs and opportunities, and then just let it die. Coco moved to LA, lessening my incentives to work at NBC- either as a writer or business-wise. After only about a month or two after school started, pragmatism set in once more. It is then I realized: What can I do with a film studies major and why would I pursue it and Berkeley? The department wasn't even that strong, and didn't offer a wide enough variety of classes.
Meanwhile my lifestyle was atrocious. I went to almost no classes, woke up past noon every day, blazed all day, did no work, slept horrendously late. By the first month of school, I was already notoriously the slacker who never went to class and barely got her work in on time. In fact, what I did until maybe around late November is a blur of just a lot of GRASS, ALCCY, SHOPPING and SLEEP.
I imagine if I look back to my posts from first semester, they are probably all extremely depressing, aimless, soulless, despairing, and hopeless. I really lost it. I lost a sense of myself in it too. I look back and hold only pity and regret for my thoughtless, empty lifestyle.
As first semester ended, I had started trying to re-develop myself. It was a small improvement, but one that probably saved me from plummeting down further my path of derailment. Thus, I began second semester anew: new goals, new dreams, new me. I was going to just push myself into studying economics and go into business from there. I figured a decision in a direction is better than no direction at all. I had already forgotten about my other dreams- ones of being actively healthy, involved, and social, but I had at least set a higher academic goal for myself. Thus, I married my studies.
Yet, there was (and always will be) room for improvement. Vast improvement. Sure, I "studied" more. I attended most of my classes. I participated a little more in class. The results were evident in some classes (ie, psych150) but not in others (ie, fuckin econ1). It wasn't until way later, specifically on my birthday 5/6/2010, that I realized I had been going about it wrong- that I never grasped how to study, never analyzed what I was doing wrong all semester, and thus never really learned. Another semester wasted. And now, my GPA is just not good enough to be the econ major I was set on being; essentially, while I compensated for my lack of academic dedication, decision-making, and determination first semester by tripling the amount of studying and drastically cutting down the partying, it was too late. My fallacies first semester, and my further ignorance and blind stubbornness rendered me incapable of reaching the goal I set 2nd semester.
Still, second semester was not a total waste. I began studying days in advance. I began organizing my calendar and changing my sleeping patterns. I became more informed and I did learn much from all my classes.
But putting academics and my activities (or lack thereof) aside, my biggest disappointment is my failure as a person. The only aspect I can say I improved myself on is my decision to start making decisions and following through- and that didn't even turn out well because I failed to follow through. I became increasingly exclusive, introverted, and unsocial throughout the year. I dropped every activity from my original list. I learned to only see the downsides of things. I became closed-minded. I only studied (and that I did not even do well.) I became even more distrustful, bitter, and resentful towards other people. I embraced my ultra-pessimist.
In the very end, I know that my B- in Math16A or Econ1 will not ruin me; my transformation into this negative, narrow-minded, cold-hearted, unfeeling, and antisocial being will be my ultimate downfall. What I need to do is harness a new mindset, personality, and demeanor that honors the boundless curiosity and openness of pre-college Rachel, and set no boundaries to where my mind can go. I know I make these goals and dreams before every semester, but this year, I want to transcend all previous 18 years of my life. I will not let my mistakes ruin me. Yes, they will continue to haunt me for a very long time, as long as I am in school, but they have been made and there will be more to make in the future. For now, all I can do is look toward the future and live for it.
I don't know if it's the late night/morning deliriousness of not being able to sleep all night (yes, very hard times. jacqueline and I are forced to go a week on virtually no weed) but the future that I usually view as dreadfully bleak glimmers vaguely with hope. I figure that despite the cruelty of my current circumstances, the best I have to live for is the future. Yes, the future is bleak. But the future is the the future because it is changeable. Most importantly, the future is determined by nothing and nobody but me.
So what- I may have wasted a year. I may have gotten into a lot of shit the past year. I may have developed addictions. I may have spent too much money. I may have come out with an insufficient GPA. I may have lost friends and lost touch with people I once held dear. I may have lost myself in it all, lost myself in my mental dilemmas and aimlessness. But hope lies in the fact that there IS a future. I build myself on my mistakes- always. At least that's a characteristic I hope I will NEVER lose.
It's time to start dreaming again.
I suppose chronologically is the most logical way to go about this.
I often tried to imagine how I would turn out after my first year. What activities will I be involved in? How will my grades turn out? Will I gain or lose the freshman 15? I came in with goals and dreams: I was going to join the rugby team, join some organization of interest, make some new white friends, take vocal lessons, study film and media, and ultimately work at NBC.
One by one, I vaguely attempted to complete each goal; I actively looked into women's rugby, went to practice, and then never again. I got interested in Korean drumming, went on the club's retreat, and then never again. I hung around the music building to scope out the choirs and opportunities, and then just let it die. Coco moved to LA, lessening my incentives to work at NBC- either as a writer or business-wise. After only about a month or two after school started, pragmatism set in once more. It is then I realized: What can I do with a film studies major and why would I pursue it and Berkeley? The department wasn't even that strong, and didn't offer a wide enough variety of classes.
Meanwhile my lifestyle was atrocious. I went to almost no classes, woke up past noon every day, blazed all day, did no work, slept horrendously late. By the first month of school, I was already notoriously the slacker who never went to class and barely got her work in on time. In fact, what I did until maybe around late November is a blur of just a lot of GRASS, ALCCY, SHOPPING and SLEEP.
I imagine if I look back to my posts from first semester, they are probably all extremely depressing, aimless, soulless, despairing, and hopeless. I really lost it. I lost a sense of myself in it too. I look back and hold only pity and regret for my thoughtless, empty lifestyle.
As first semester ended, I had started trying to re-develop myself. It was a small improvement, but one that probably saved me from plummeting down further my path of derailment. Thus, I began second semester anew: new goals, new dreams, new me. I was going to just push myself into studying economics and go into business from there. I figured a decision in a direction is better than no direction at all. I had already forgotten about my other dreams- ones of being actively healthy, involved, and social, but I had at least set a higher academic goal for myself. Thus, I married my studies.
Yet, there was (and always will be) room for improvement. Vast improvement. Sure, I "studied" more. I attended most of my classes. I participated a little more in class. The results were evident in some classes (ie, psych150) but not in others (ie, fuckin econ1). It wasn't until way later, specifically on my birthday 5/6/2010, that I realized I had been going about it wrong- that I never grasped how to study, never analyzed what I was doing wrong all semester, and thus never really learned. Another semester wasted. And now, my GPA is just not good enough to be the econ major I was set on being; essentially, while I compensated for my lack of academic dedication, decision-making, and determination first semester by tripling the amount of studying and drastically cutting down the partying, it was too late. My fallacies first semester, and my further ignorance and blind stubbornness rendered me incapable of reaching the goal I set 2nd semester.
Still, second semester was not a total waste. I began studying days in advance. I began organizing my calendar and changing my sleeping patterns. I became more informed and I did learn much from all my classes.
But putting academics and my activities (or lack thereof) aside, my biggest disappointment is my failure as a person. The only aspect I can say I improved myself on is my decision to start making decisions and following through- and that didn't even turn out well because I failed to follow through. I became increasingly exclusive, introverted, and unsocial throughout the year. I dropped every activity from my original list. I learned to only see the downsides of things. I became closed-minded. I only studied (and that I did not even do well.) I became even more distrustful, bitter, and resentful towards other people. I embraced my ultra-pessimist.
In the very end, I know that my B- in Math16A or Econ1 will not ruin me; my transformation into this negative, narrow-minded, cold-hearted, unfeeling, and antisocial being will be my ultimate downfall. What I need to do is harness a new mindset, personality, and demeanor that honors the boundless curiosity and openness of pre-college Rachel, and set no boundaries to where my mind can go. I know I make these goals and dreams before every semester, but this year, I want to transcend all previous 18 years of my life. I will not let my mistakes ruin me. Yes, they will continue to haunt me for a very long time, as long as I am in school, but they have been made and there will be more to make in the future. For now, all I can do is look toward the future and live for it.
I don't know if it's the late night/morning deliriousness of not being able to sleep all night (yes, very hard times. jacqueline and I are forced to go a week on virtually no weed) but the future that I usually view as dreadfully bleak glimmers vaguely with hope. I figure that despite the cruelty of my current circumstances, the best I have to live for is the future. Yes, the future is bleak. But the future is the the future because it is changeable. Most importantly, the future is determined by nothing and nobody but me.
So what- I may have wasted a year. I may have gotten into a lot of shit the past year. I may have developed addictions. I may have spent too much money. I may have come out with an insufficient GPA. I may have lost friends and lost touch with people I once held dear. I may have lost myself in it all, lost myself in my mental dilemmas and aimlessness. But hope lies in the fact that there IS a future. I build myself on my mistakes- always. At least that's a characteristic I hope I will NEVER lose.
It's time to start dreaming again.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Words of advice
So remember, life is not Econ. Econ is not life.
Life is loving and giving and doing and helping and enjoying and
appreciating and changing and thanking.
-Martha L. Olney,
Spring'10 Economics professor, night before the final that will ultimately destroy me
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Inspire me.
After finals, (and the very thorough celebration I will enjoy), I think it's imperative I reconsider my future. Did I force myself into something virtually impossible for me to grasp? There are things I am inherently incapable of doing, like biology or chemistry... what if I am chasing something I am not meant to do?
But do such incapabilities exist? Is the human potential all encompassing?
In essence, I am torn between idealism and pragmatism; furthermore, I am struck with this unavoidable, nagging burden of incompetence, failure, and hopelessness that outweighs any ambition, confidence, and motivation I gained this semester. Nonetheless, this is not an issue of my choices and overtly demanding mentality of this semester (self reflection can incur more harm than good). This is fundamentally an issue of worth - of fulfilling my duty to individuality, identity, and actualization. All in all, it is the lithe notion of destiny. Before I can accomplish my duty to the world - physical, social, environmental, economic, etc - I must identify my purpose and adhere to my devoid being. I cannot fathom whether my education exposed me to this inevitable search for meaning or forced me to forfeit the slightest implication of meaning I inherited, but every day, I contemplate my place in this detached world and plummet further down the twisting, intricate path of devastation I affectionately acknowledge as my existence. Eventually, I hope to crawl out and entangle myself into the world, but firstly, I must impel my mind to take initiative to overcome my desensitization and to wholly apply itself in its rare encounters with reality.
meanwhile... happy birthday to me! One year passed, one less to go... let this be as enriching as the last and I have GOT to stop having thoughts.
But do such incapabilities exist? Is the human potential all encompassing?
In essence, I am torn between idealism and pragmatism; furthermore, I am struck with this unavoidable, nagging burden of incompetence, failure, and hopelessness that outweighs any ambition, confidence, and motivation I gained this semester. Nonetheless, this is not an issue of my choices and overtly demanding mentality of this semester (self reflection can incur more harm than good). This is fundamentally an issue of worth - of fulfilling my duty to individuality, identity, and actualization. All in all, it is the lithe notion of destiny. Before I can accomplish my duty to the world - physical, social, environmental, economic, etc - I must identify my purpose and adhere to my devoid being. I cannot fathom whether my education exposed me to this inevitable search for meaning or forced me to forfeit the slightest implication of meaning I inherited, but every day, I contemplate my place in this detached world and plummet further down the twisting, intricate path of devastation I affectionately acknowledge as my existence. Eventually, I hope to crawl out and entangle myself into the world, but firstly, I must impel my mind to take initiative to overcome my desensitization and to wholly apply itself in its rare encounters with reality.
meanwhile... happy birthday to me! One year passed, one less to go... let this be as enriching as the last and I have GOT to stop having thoughts.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Spelbound - Britain's Got Talent 2010 - Auditions Week 2
Hella fucking crazy... had no idea such talent existed D:
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Dear blogspot,
I realize I left you for tumblr, but I cannot say I ever really intended to do so. I miss writing like this- with full, complete sentences constructed at varying lengths. Like how English is meant to be written.
Ah yes, I did leave your traditions for that new and modernized tumblr- this much is true. "Why tumblr?" your desperate eyes cry. I don't know. Maybe I thought that because she was something everyone used, blogging would come back in. In like fashion, yaddiggg?? And I suppose it has- I mean, people find it easier to keep up with the things I write now, but really, I think I've always given you stronger content. I married Tumblr out of convenience; you can text short little messages to her (so quick & easy!), but now that it comes down to stress and anger, I have reappeared on this website. Because this is the place where I can write like this. This is home. So I'm sorry anorexicturtle.blogspot.com- I abandoned you. Like a bastard father leaving his children behind (Like Serena van der Woodsen's father [yes, I just made a Gossip Girl reference]), I suddenly returned and wounded your fragile heart without a warning.
And there is no forgiveness for I am not back for good. I realize I'm just toying with your heart, coming in when I'm falling and leaving as soon as I have healed. I leave you with no promises, no hopes, and dreams. So you don't need to welcome me with open arms because I realize I treat you like a safety net; you don't need to be here for me because I know it strains your emotions.
It is unfair, and I apologize.
But I missed you. I love you.
Jackie.
Ah yes, I did leave your traditions for that new and modernized tumblr- this much is true. "Why tumblr?" your desperate eyes cry. I don't know. Maybe I thought that because she was something everyone used, blogging would come back in. In like fashion, yaddiggg?? And I suppose it has- I mean, people find it easier to keep up with the things I write now, but really, I think I've always given you stronger content. I married Tumblr out of convenience; you can text short little messages to her (so quick & easy!), but now that it comes down to stress and anger, I have reappeared on this website. Because this is the place where I can write like this. This is home. So I'm sorry anorexicturtle.blogspot.com- I abandoned you. Like a bastard father leaving his children behind (Like Serena van der Woodsen's father [yes, I just made a Gossip Girl reference]), I suddenly returned and wounded your fragile heart without a warning.
And there is no forgiveness for I am not back for good. I realize I'm just toying with your heart, coming in when I'm falling and leaving as soon as I have healed. I leave you with no promises, no hopes, and dreams. So you don't need to welcome me with open arms because I realize I treat you like a safety net; you don't need to be here for me because I know it strains your emotions.
It is unfair, and I apologize.
But I missed you. I love you.
Jackie.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
melancholy
insipid
curled up, bent up
to question is to show weakness- to question is to show insecurity
don't look back
don't regret
a song without words
a word without meaning
a body without blood
a heart without soul
a soul without purpose
to live with a cause
to die without one
curled up, bent up
to question is to show weakness- to question is to show insecurity
don't look back
don't regret
a song without words
a word without meaning
a body without blood
a heart without soul
a soul without purpose
to live with a cause
to die without one
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
yay area
Spring break has commenced! Chaos! But not... Berkeley is strangely empty and quiet. Honestly, I am enjoying every moment of it puahaha. Anyway today, on my way to Emeryville, I got off at the wrong bus stop and ended up in front of Pixar Studios. Ah, interesting the random shit that always ends up happening in my journeys to Emeryville.
We have also just secured an apartment for next year! And yes, the owner is a sex offender and trafficking fraud, but umm... the apartment is nice? In the end, we figured there was no way out- this man owns a good portion of the properties in southside.
Also, I have made a tumblr of my own, since Jacqo decided to take our domain name
Γ(=_=)" (haha) but it's okay. so for you, jerry, my only reader (:X)...
http://focho.tumblr.com
I basically made it for the sole purpose of sending pictures to the computer efficiently. Now I can record the randomass shit I take pictures of to the internet! Yippee!!!
Yesterday, I sat down and figured out my 4 year plan... it was immensely gratifying. Yeah it was IMMENSELY gratifying. It also made me more sure I'll stay in Berkeley for the summer, even if it means having to part from my beloved community college (and the best community college in the country) and my fwends D: but I will try to acquire a car and make my way in and out of the city frequently yesssssssss.........
Sigh... the things I do to please my readers HAHA. my second post dedicated to jerry li. anyway, I'm sorry for the pretty subpar writing here... if you must know, I am kind of like a red kite in the sky, and Hassan is runnin me pretty hard. puahaha (yeah, Kite Runner reference wassaaaaP)
PEACE LOVE UNITY AND RESPECT
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
I CLAIM THE FIRST POST OF THE YEAR BECAUSE JACQUELINE LIU HAS VIRTUALLY ABANDONED ANOREXIC TURTLE
just kidding, we both kind of did.
Anyway, I guess I better make the typical new years resolution post.
looking back, here's last year's:
1. Get license
2. Never miss appointments
3. Use planner
4. Maximum of 2 hours for games per day
5. Don't borrow money
6. Stop depending on Jon Stewart for the news
7. Work out.
8. Follow to-do lists and self-made schedules
9. only 1 tardy per week
10. Suit up
It's really funny that the only thing I really succeeded in was number 1. And that took a lot more effort than it needed.
A lot of things happened in 2009 and things turned out the way I never imagined them to. Did I see myself spoiling away in Berkeley, depending on a biosphere class to keep from failing out of school? Or getting Charizard? Or being homeless? No. But overall, I've had a great year. And now, despite the hard times and the regrets, I can only look forward to a new year, a new beginning, a new life...
All I can say is, I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for me.
1. find a major.
2. make myself proud.
3. wear color.
that's basically everything on my mind for now... the rest, well, the specifics will figure themselves out.
happy new years, anorexic turtle. wish me luck
just kidding, we both kind of did.
Anyway, I guess I better make the typical new years resolution post.
looking back, here's last year's:
1. Get license
2. Never miss appointments
3. Use planner
4. Maximum of 2 hours for games per day
5. Don't borrow money
6. Stop depending on Jon Stewart for the news
7. Work out.
8. Follow to-do lists and self-made schedules
9. only 1 tardy per week
10. Suit up
It's really funny that the only thing I really succeeded in was number 1. And that took a lot more effort than it needed.
A lot of things happened in 2009 and things turned out the way I never imagined them to. Did I see myself spoiling away in Berkeley, depending on a biosphere class to keep from failing out of school? Or getting Charizard? Or being homeless? No. But overall, I've had a great year. And now, despite the hard times and the regrets, I can only look forward to a new year, a new beginning, a new life...
All I can say is, I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for me.
1. find a major.
2. make myself proud.
3. wear color.
that's basically everything on my mind for now... the rest, well, the specifics will figure themselves out.
happy new years, anorexic turtle. wish me luck
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)