After finals, (and the very thorough celebration I will enjoy), I think it's imperative I reconsider my future. Did I force myself into something virtually impossible for me to grasp? There are things I am inherently incapable of doing, like biology or chemistry... what if I am chasing something I am not meant to do?
But do such incapabilities exist? Is the human potential all encompassing?
In essence, I am torn between idealism and pragmatism; furthermore, I am struck with this unavoidable, nagging burden of incompetence, failure, and hopelessness that outweighs any ambition, confidence, and motivation I gained this semester. Nonetheless, this is not an issue of my choices and overtly demanding mentality of this semester (self reflection can incur more harm than good). This is fundamentally an issue of worth - of fulfilling my duty to individuality, identity, and actualization. All in all, it is the lithe notion of destiny. Before I can accomplish my duty to the world - physical, social, environmental, economic, etc - I must identify my purpose and adhere to my devoid being. I cannot fathom whether my education exposed me to this inevitable search for meaning or forced me to forfeit the slightest implication of meaning I inherited, but every day, I contemplate my place in this detached world and plummet further down the twisting, intricate path of devastation I affectionately acknowledge as my existence. Eventually, I hope to crawl out and entangle myself into the world, but firstly, I must impel my mind to take initiative to overcome my desensitization and to wholly apply itself in its rare encounters with reality.
meanwhile... happy birthday to me! One year passed, one less to go... let this be as enriching as the last and I have GOT to stop having thoughts.
