in the whirlwind i can affectionately call my past few weeks, i've barely been able to sit back and just think and reflect like i used to do only, yknow, about 20 times a day. so here i am at 4:12 am, the day of my 2 midterms, one of which will most likely obliterate me and the other.. i could care less about. or i mean, i should care more about, but I really can't when econ and sigmas completely CONSUME me.
but this... what deja vue. this is something i WOULD do- procrastinate on opening my microeconomics book and studying for my impending doom to come in less than 7 hours.
what's the point?
it's never good enough.
i kid. not really. it really never is good enough, but only here will i ever admit that i am still proud of what i've accomplished in that class. just the fact that i never actually follow through on my threats to kill myself (+ everyone) is impressive, i think.
where'm i going with this? nowhere. I'm obviously dawdling time... holding off on reading about risk premiums, certainty equivalents, and actuarily fair insurance.
oh let me just shoot.
i have a lot of issues. inferiority issues, daddy issues, time management issues, anger issues.. you know, the list goes on. however, i think i am slowly (very slowly) but surely beginning to come to terms with these issues. i do honestly believe my weakest features are my strongest points. For example..? well my inferiority complex- this burning desire and need to prove myself and my worth, first of all, probably keeps me alive. daddy issues? i'm learning that they've taught me to be independent and self-sufficient. time management? nevermind, i'm still working on that (and very apparently failing). basically, i'm learning and growing. that's good right?..
today, i took my first astro midterm; i walked into the midterm having just crammed 6-7 hour long webcasts into 3 hours with no time to review all the material beforehand. i probably guessed on 2/3 of the questions, not knowing half of them at all. i came out certain that i would go back home at the end of the day and make this class pass/no pass. instead, i checked my scores and saw a 21/25.
yeah, i'm gloating. i'm allowed to because it's my blog. but wow- i am proud. and i am NEVER proud of myself. truth be told, i most likely just got very lucky with all my guesses, but i have not felt this feeling of success in a very long time. i admit that i am perpetually wrapped up in a cocoon of self-loathing, discouragement, and negativity. i can't help it; it's just another one of my issues.
where am i going with this...
i guess bottom line is.. yes, i got lucky with astro. this does not mean i will get lucky with econ, soc, or stats. but this gives me hope, and i can really use some of that right now... honestly, though, i bust my ASS for econ on any given day. maybe not right now, but any other day, i am throwing myself into that motherfucking class, and though i have yet to come out triumphant, godDAMN does it feel good to try. i do bitch, moan, groan, and whine about it only all the time, but to live with a purpose- what a bliss.
the funny thing is, some days, i find myself smiling to myself for no real apparent reason at all. (and yes, this is rare)
i guess... maybe i'm finally finding happiness?
nah.
that can't be...
-4:45 i'm out
ps: yes i am pledging a sorority. color the world shocked, i may just be defying every law of the universe by doing this.. but i. will. never. forfeit.
