So.. I quit my job last month. I done did it. And I finished making my decision. I think I made the right choice, but I won't know - ever, right? b/c I'll never actually know what it would have been like if I made another.
I read a book Dark Matter while I was in Japan, which was about a guy who is a scientist, and explores the "multiverse" in modern day. He gave up his research for his family and lived a normal life, but his alternate self from a parallel reality in which he gave up his family for his research, comes back and switches lives with him (sort of). Basically about how the choices we make shape who we become, blah blah blah.
It wasn't the best book, but that concept was pretty intriguing to me: the "would have" and "could have"s. My old boss once told me, that in some way, every decision you make is the best you could have made at that time. Only in hindsight does anyone feel regret over their decision (hindsight's always 20/20 right?). I always thought it was a bit naive to think like that, but it resonated with me because it was such a positive mindset to dealing with the fear of a possibly terrible outcome. #noregretz
That's how I feel about my decision to go to Japan. This was my first real solo vacation - I've travelled alone before but usually related to work. To really be in a different country, knowing I have nobody to come back home to, or get lunch with the next day to talk about my adventures - it was liberating and lonely. I remember singing to myself at the park because the silence was overwhelming. Also I think I low-key got pretty buzzed off one highball. There were definitely places where I wondered - this would be really great to experience with someone else.
And then there were moments when I was glad to be alone. Getting lost in Shimokitazawa in the rain, eating Soba near Jindai-ji temple after getting lost again, drinking a beer at a beer garden at golden hour as I decided to fuck the rest of my itinerary and go back to the hotel. Waiting only 40 mins as opposed to 2.5 hours for sushi b/c I was alone. I'm glad I got to do this solo, and I'm glad I chose this city for my solo trip. I don't think I learned anything new about myself except that I really loved the shrines and temples more than the big cities. Although I don't know if that's anything new, or more a confirmation of something I assumed about myself. Also, I'm actually not that bad at navigating. I was kind of hoping to have some grand self-actualization/realization/awakening there, but it's not something I was expecting, so I'm not disappointed. I guess that's one of those things that comes when you least expect it.
So first day jitters are real. I have yet to decide on an outfit. No pep talk either. I kind of wish I had another week of fun-employement, but I don't think that would dissolve my anxiety. I'm really trying to focus on appreciating and embracing change, and letting go of fear.. but it's one thing to set that intention in a yoga class, and another to practice it in real life. I'm trying to narrow down what my biggest fear is - making new friends? realizing I've made the wrong decision? hating the job? I think it is learning that I don't actually have imposter syndrome, and that I am indeed an imposter. I am afraid of being myself, and not being good enough as myself, and therefore becoming an imposter of sorts. And then being revealed as the imposter I am. See? It never ends in this brain.
Do I put on a female empowering anthem, and do the power stance in the mirror while I repeat "you are amazing"? No, if anything, that'd make me feel more like an imposter. Am I going to go through 3 more sections of your SQL bootcamp on Udemy to come in 100% prepared? No, who am I?
Will I watch Terrace House until 2am and not pack my bag for my orientation starting at 8am?
Probably. Gotta be myself, right?
