As I lie wide awake in bed at 3:36 AM after a full night of napping and being immobile, I figure this is the best time to recollect and reflect on my first year in college. This post will either end up being too lengthy, disorganized, and scattered, or I might give up quite early and curtail this entry when I get tired of it.
I suppose chronologically is the most logical way to go about this.
I often tried to imagine how I would turn out after my first year. What activities will I be involved in? How will my grades turn out? Will I gain or lose the freshman 15? I came in with goals and dreams: I was going to join the rugby team, join some organization of interest, make some new white friends, take vocal lessons, study film and media, and ultimately work at NBC.
One by one, I vaguely attempted to complete each goal; I actively looked into women's rugby, went to practice, and then never again. I got interested in Korean drumming, went on the club's retreat, and then never again. I hung around the music building to scope out the choirs and opportunities, and then just let it die. Coco moved to LA, lessening my incentives to work at NBC- either as a writer or business-wise. After only about a month or two after school started, pragmatism set in once more. It is then I realized: What can I do with a film studies major and why would I pursue it and Berkeley? The department wasn't even that strong, and didn't offer a wide enough variety of classes.
Meanwhile my lifestyle was atrocious. I went to almost no classes, woke up past noon every day, blazed all day, did no work, slept horrendously late. By the first month of school, I was already notoriously the slacker who never went to class and barely got her work in on time. In fact, what I did until maybe around late November is a blur of just a lot of GRASS, ALCCY, SHOPPING and SLEEP.
I imagine if I look back to my posts from first semester, they are probably all extremely depressing, aimless, soulless, despairing, and hopeless. I really lost it. I lost a sense of myself in it too. I look back and hold only pity and regret for my thoughtless, empty lifestyle.
As first semester ended, I had started trying to re-develop myself. It was a small improvement, but one that probably saved me from plummeting down further my path of derailment. Thus, I began second semester anew: new goals, new dreams, new me. I was going to just push myself into studying economics and go into business from there. I figured a decision in a direction is better than no direction at all. I had already forgotten about my other dreams- ones of being actively healthy, involved, and social, but I had at least set a higher academic goal for myself. Thus, I married my studies.
Yet, there was (and always will be) room for improvement. Vast improvement. Sure, I "studied" more. I attended most of my classes. I participated a little more in class. The results were evident in some classes (ie, psych150) but not in others (ie, fuckin econ1). It wasn't until way later, specifically on my birthday 5/6/2010, that I realized I had been going about it wrong- that I never grasped how to study, never analyzed what I was doing wrong all semester, and thus never really learned. Another semester wasted. And now, my GPA is just not good enough to be the econ major I was set on being; essentially, while I compensated for my lack of academic dedication, decision-making, and determination first semester by tripling the amount of studying and drastically cutting down the partying, it was too late. My fallacies first semester, and my further ignorance and blind stubbornness rendered me incapable of reaching the goal I set 2nd semester.
Still, second semester was not a total waste. I began studying days in advance. I began organizing my calendar and changing my sleeping patterns. I became more informed and I did learn much from all my classes.
But putting academics and my activities (or lack thereof) aside, my biggest disappointment is my failure as a person. The only aspect I can say I improved myself on is my decision to start making decisions and following through- and that didn't even turn out well because I failed to follow through. I became increasingly exclusive, introverted, and unsocial throughout the year. I dropped every activity from my original list. I learned to only see the downsides of things. I became closed-minded. I only studied (and that I did not even do well.) I became even more distrustful, bitter, and resentful towards other people. I embraced my ultra-pessimist.
In the very end, I know that my B- in Math16A or Econ1 will not ruin me; my transformation into this negative, narrow-minded, cold-hearted, unfeeling, and antisocial being will be my ultimate downfall. What I need to do is harness a new mindset, personality, and demeanor that honors the boundless curiosity and openness of pre-college Rachel, and set no boundaries to where my mind can go. I know I make these goals and dreams before every semester, but this year, I want to transcend all previous 18 years of my life. I will not let my mistakes ruin me. Yes, they will continue to haunt me for a very long time, as long as I am in school, but they have been made and there will be more to make in the future. For now, all I can do is look toward the future and live for it.
I don't know if it's the late night/morning deliriousness of not being able to sleep all night (yes, very hard times. jacqueline and I are forced to go a week on virtually no weed) but the future that I usually view as dreadfully bleak glimmers vaguely with hope. I figure that despite the cruelty of my current circumstances, the best I have to live for is the future. Yes, the future is bleak. But the future is the the future because it is changeable. Most importantly, the future is determined by nothing and nobody but me.
So what- I may have wasted a year. I may have gotten into a lot of shit the past year. I may have developed addictions. I may have spent too much money. I may have come out with an insufficient GPA. I may have lost friends and lost touch with people I once held dear. I may have lost myself in it all, lost myself in my mental dilemmas and aimlessness. But hope lies in the fact that there IS a future. I build myself on my mistakes- always. At least that's a characteristic I hope I will NEVER lose.
It's time to start dreaming again.
