you look so tweaked

WIP

If I were to pick out the moment it all started
With you and me: shy, slow and mentally retarded
Used to live in darkness but now I’ve seen the light
Because every morning sunrise beat out all nights
That I spent not knowing, always just settling
Thought feelings can be learned, but now I just want it
Glowing, waiting, and obsessively meddling
Doubt is a disease, and in my mind it’s chronic
Infected by your virus that’s spreading to my dreams
Even my daydreams aren’t as hopeful as they seem
Day in and day out, I’m poisoned by thoughts of you
But never you and I, because dreams never come true

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

never thought the positive- only saw the negative
I'd only give what I receive; all other things were relative
the heart can trick the mind but the logic's irreversible
'cause it would keep beating, slowing when it came to you,
tears would keep falling, not a single memory's true
Every smile, weighed down, turned around into a frown,
Every laugh, calculated, infatuated by your manipulation
The memories warped, feelings unreciprocated
but after all this, my chains will be emancipated

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it






to be continued

I always assume the worst. I fucking hate that.

I'm always doubting everything & everyone. Can't fucking trust anyone, but that's all self perpetuated. I guess I like to just do this shit to myself, make myself feel so... hmm.. doubtful? skeptical? bitter? eternally betrayed for no apparent reason?

I now understand what "I give people the benefit of the doubt". because I realized I am the polar fuckin opposite. Assume the worst in everyone. Then they won't disappoint you right? No reason to get your hopes up and let people play ball with it.

What I mean is.

There is just no happy ending.

waking up is always the hardest part.

This is how I feel - but stretched out over a span of hours, days, weeks,.... who knows how long it'll be. I think I've been swimming in a dream these days. I'm not really sure for how long , over a week, less than a month,,. But in all honesty, lot has happened and a lot has changed in my life. And I guess by some transitive property shit, a lot has changed in me.

What a dream.

And now, looking back in my present moments of rehabilitation, I realize I never took into account the future. So I suppose this is it, this is what has become of my future. Not bad.. huh. I spoil over the past. I reel it over and over in my head. and then I wake up. And then I forget it all. And then I try to salvage the pieces, create a new reality. And it's like a dream in a dream . And I guess at one point all I could do was swim further. Just keep swimming, right? Just keep swimming... but no.

Really I have no regrets. For anything- this applies to everything. Hah, I hope when I reread this one day in many days, I still remember the people I've met, the things we did, the things we learned, and the things we failed to do. I feel like I learned a lot about myself- and at the same time, decided to neglect every part of it. I don't even know what that word is anymore. Self-destructive? haha I see..

Anyway. I can't help but to do what I do.. Constantly try to remember the past. So I sit and think... and think... and .. think. wonder, remember, laugh a little, smile a little, then remember the worst part- that this is just a memory. and that a memory is obsolete for a reason.

Haha, this is autosaved at 12:09. Watch this get posted an hour later. why? because this is kind of painful at the moment. I don't know, I guess I am waking up now, layer by layer and what was all an ignorant dream - apart from my memories i escape - they come crashing down. Because I can't stand to face the future before I confront them.

So I confront them. But no, they confront me, they remind me, they make me think. My thoughts are muddled, mugged my confrontation. and so- wherein lies the future

I was inspired by enya today when she said.. hold up: "don't think ugh why didn't I ____. just look forward" that's what it is huh. kind of makes sense i guess.

Haha, but really. I really must be Miss Self-Destruction at its finest. Didn't know my masochistic tendencies could be manifested in these ways.

Waking up, this is confusion

it's 411

in the whirlwind i can affectionately call my past few weeks, i've barely been able to sit back and just think and reflect like i used to do only, yknow, about 20 times a day. so here i am at 4:12 am, the day of my 2 midterms, one of which will most likely obliterate me and the other.. i could care less about. or i mean, i should care more about, but I really can't when econ and sigmas completely CONSUME me.

but this... what deja vue. this is something i WOULD do- procrastinate on opening my microeconomics book and studying for my impending doom to come in less than 7 hours.

what's the point?

it's never good enough.

i kid. not really. it really never is good enough, but only here will i ever admit that i am still proud of what i've accomplished in that class. just the fact that i never actually follow through on my threats to kill myself (+ everyone) is impressive, i think.

where'm i going with this? nowhere. I'm obviously dawdling time... holding off on reading about risk premiums, certainty equivalents, and actuarily fair insurance.

oh let me just shoot.

i have a lot of issues. inferiority issues, daddy issues, time management issues, anger issues.. you know, the list goes on. however, i think i am slowly (very slowly) but surely beginning to come to terms with these issues. i do honestly believe my weakest features are my strongest points. For example..? well my inferiority complex- this burning desire and need to prove myself and my worth, first of all, probably keeps me alive. daddy issues? i'm learning that they've taught me to be independent and self-sufficient. time management? nevermind, i'm still working on that (and very apparently failing). basically, i'm learning and growing. that's good right?..

today, i took my first astro midterm; i walked into the midterm having just crammed 6-7 hour long webcasts into 3 hours with no time to review all the material beforehand. i probably guessed on 2/3 of the questions, not knowing half of them at all. i came out certain that i would go back home at the end of the day and make this class pass/no pass. instead, i checked my scores and saw a 21/25.

yeah, i'm gloating. i'm allowed to because it's my blog. but wow- i am proud. and i am NEVER proud of myself. truth be told, i most likely just got very lucky with all my guesses, but i have not felt this feeling of success in a very long time. i admit that i am perpetually wrapped up in a cocoon of self-loathing, discouragement, and negativity. i can't help it; it's just another one of my issues.

where am i going with this...

i guess bottom line is.. yes, i got lucky with astro. this does not mean i will get lucky with econ, soc, or stats. but this gives me hope, and i can really use some of that right now... honestly, though, i bust my ASS for econ on any given day. maybe not right now, but any other day, i am throwing myself into that motherfucking class, and though i have yet to come out triumphant, godDAMN does it feel good to try. i do bitch, moan, groan, and whine about it only all the time, but to live with a purpose- what a bliss.

the funny thing is, some days, i find myself smiling to myself for no real apparent reason at all. (and yes, this is rare)

i guess... maybe i'm finally finding happiness?

nah.

that can't be...

-4:45 i'm out

ps: yes i am pledging a sorority. color the world shocked, i may just be defying every law of the universe by doing this.. but i. will. never. forfeit.

When I wonder why I can't be happy, I come to a conclusion that I find it impossible to love myself.

I find it impossible to love myself because I love no one.

I love no one because I avoid emotion.

I avoid emotion because it is usually not happiness.

And thus, I live my miserable, empty, meaningless life.

Back to square 1

As I lie wide awake in bed at 3:36 AM after a full night of napping and being immobile, I figure this is the best time to recollect and reflect on my first year in college. This post will either end up being too lengthy, disorganized, and scattered, or I might give up quite early and curtail this entry when I get tired of it.

I suppose chronologically is the most logical way to go about this.

I often tried to imagine how I would turn out after my first year. What activities will I be involved in? How will my grades turn out? Will I gain or lose the freshman 15? I came in with goals and dreams: I was going to join the rugby team, join some organization of interest, make some new white friends, take vocal lessons, study film and media, and ultimately work at NBC.

One by one, I vaguely attempted to complete each goal; I actively looked into women's rugby, went to practice, and then never again. I got interested in Korean drumming, went on the club's retreat, and then never again. I hung around the music building to scope out the choirs and opportunities, and then just let it die. Coco moved to LA, lessening my incentives to work at NBC- either as a writer or business-wise. After only about a month or two after school started, pragmatism set in once more. It is then I realized: What can I do with a film studies major and why would I pursue it and Berkeley? The department wasn't even that strong, and didn't offer a wide enough variety of classes.

Meanwhile my lifestyle was atrocious. I went to almost no classes, woke up past noon every day, blazed all day, did no work, slept horrendously late. By the first month of school, I was already notoriously the slacker who never went to class and barely got her work in on time. In fact, what I did until maybe around late November is a blur of just a lot of GRASS, ALCCY, SHOPPING and SLEEP.

I imagine if I look back to my posts from first semester, they are probably all extremely depressing, aimless, soulless, despairing, and hopeless. I really lost it. I lost a sense of myself in it too. I look back and hold only pity and regret for my thoughtless, empty lifestyle.

As first semester ended, I had started trying to re-develop myself. It was a small improvement, but one that probably saved me from plummeting down further my path of derailment. Thus, I began second semester anew: new goals, new dreams, new me. I was going to just push myself into studying economics and go into business from there. I figured a decision in a direction is better than no direction at all. I had already forgotten about my other dreams- ones of being actively healthy, involved, and social, but I had at least set a higher academic goal for myself. Thus, I married my studies.

Yet, there was (and always will be) room for improvement. Vast improvement. Sure, I "studied" more. I attended most of my classes. I participated a little more in class. The results were evident in some classes (ie, psych150) but not in others (ie, fuckin econ1). It wasn't until way later, specifically on my birthday 5/6/2010, that I realized I had been going about it wrong- that I never grasped how to study, never analyzed what I was doing wrong all semester, and thus never really learned. Another semester wasted. And now, my GPA is just not good enough to be the econ major I was set on being; essentially, while I compensated for my lack of academic dedication, decision-making, and determination first semester by tripling the amount of studying and drastically cutting down the partying, it was too late. My fallacies first semester, and my further ignorance and blind stubbornness rendered me incapable of reaching the goal I set 2nd semester.

Still, second semester was not a total waste. I began studying days in advance. I began organizing my calendar and changing my sleeping patterns. I became more informed and I did learn much from all my classes.

But putting academics and my activities (or lack thereof) aside, my biggest disappointment is my failure as a person. The only aspect I can say I improved myself on is my decision to start making decisions and following through- and that didn't even turn out well because I failed to follow through. I became increasingly exclusive, introverted, and unsocial throughout the year. I dropped every activity from my original list. I learned to only see the downsides of things. I became closed-minded. I only studied (and that I did not even do well.) I became even more distrustful, bitter, and resentful towards other people. I embraced my ultra-pessimist.

In the very end, I know that my B- in Math16A or Econ1 will not ruin me; my transformation into this negative, narrow-minded, cold-hearted, unfeeling, and antisocial being will be my ultimate downfall. What I need to do is harness a new mindset, personality, and demeanor that honors the boundless curiosity and openness of pre-college Rachel, and set no boundaries to where my mind can go. I know I make these goals and dreams before every semester, but this year, I want to transcend all previous 18 years of my life. I will not let my mistakes ruin me. Yes, they will continue to haunt me for a very long time, as long as I am in school, but they have been made and there will be more to make in the future. For now, all I can do is look toward the future and live for it.

I don't know if it's the late night/morning deliriousness of not being able to sleep all night (yes, very hard times. jacqueline and I are forced to go a week on virtually no weed) but the future that I usually view as dreadfully bleak glimmers vaguely with hope. I figure that despite the cruelty of my current circumstances, the best I have to live for is the future. Yes, the future is bleak. But the future is the the future because it is changeable. Most importantly, the future is determined by nothing and nobody but me.

So what- I may have wasted a year. I may have gotten into a lot of shit the past year. I may have developed addictions. I may have spent too much money. I may have come out with an insufficient GPA. I may have lost friends and lost touch with people I once held dear. I may have lost myself in it all, lost myself in my mental dilemmas and aimlessness. But hope lies in the fact that there IS a future. I build myself on my mistakes- always. At least that's a characteristic I hope I will NEVER lose.

It's time to start dreaming again.