someone like you in another life (yesterday was the time of our lives)

you look so tweaked

WIP

If I were to pick out the moment it all started
With you and me: shy, slow and mentally retarded
Used to live in darkness but now I’ve seen the light
Because every morning sunrise beat out all nights
That I spent not knowing, always just settling
Thought feelings can be learned, but now I just want it
Glowing, waiting, and obsessively meddling
Doubt is a disease, and in my mind it’s chronic
Infected by your virus that’s spreading to my dreams
Even my daydreams aren’t as hopeful as they seem
Day in and day out, I’m poisoned by thoughts of you
But never you and I, because dreams never come true

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

never thought the positive- only saw the negative
I'd only give what I receive; all other things were relative
the heart can trick the mind but the logic's irreversible
'cause it would keep beating, slowing when it came to you,
tears would keep falling, not a single memory's true
Every smile, weighed down, turned around into a frown,
Every laugh, calculated, infatuated by your manipulation
The memories warped, feelings unreciprocated
but after all this, my chains will be emancipated

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

I hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
I hate to turn out up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it
I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it






to be continued

I always assume the worst. I fucking hate that.

I'm always doubting everything & everyone. Can't fucking trust anyone, but that's all self perpetuated. I guess I like to just do this shit to myself, make myself feel so... hmm.. doubtful? skeptical? bitter? eternally betrayed for no apparent reason?

I now understand what "I give people the benefit of the doubt". because I realized I am the polar fuckin opposite. Assume the worst in everyone. Then they won't disappoint you right? No reason to get your hopes up and let people play ball with it.

What I mean is.

There is just no happy ending.

waking up is always the hardest part.

This is how I feel - but stretched out over a span of hours, days, weeks,.... who knows how long it'll be. I think I've been swimming in a dream these days. I'm not really sure for how long , over a week, less than a month,,. But in all honesty, lot has happened and a lot has changed in my life. And I guess by some transitive property shit, a lot has changed in me.

What a dream.

And now, looking back in my present moments of rehabilitation, I realize I never took into account the future. So I suppose this is it, this is what has become of my future. Not bad.. huh. I spoil over the past. I reel it over and over in my head. and then I wake up. And then I forget it all. And then I try to salvage the pieces, create a new reality. And it's like a dream in a dream . And I guess at one point all I could do was swim further. Just keep swimming, right? Just keep swimming... but no.

Really I have no regrets. For anything- this applies to everything. Hah, I hope when I reread this one day in many days, I still remember the people I've met, the things we did, the things we learned, and the things we failed to do. I feel like I learned a lot about myself- and at the same time, decided to neglect every part of it. I don't even know what that word is anymore. Self-destructive? haha I see..

Anyway. I can't help but to do what I do.. Constantly try to remember the past. So I sit and think... and think... and .. think. wonder, remember, laugh a little, smile a little, then remember the worst part- that this is just a memory. and that a memory is obsolete for a reason.

Haha, this is autosaved at 12:09. Watch this get posted an hour later. why? because this is kind of painful at the moment. I don't know, I guess I am waking up now, layer by layer and what was all an ignorant dream - apart from my memories i escape - they come crashing down. Because I can't stand to face the future before I confront them.

So I confront them. But no, they confront me, they remind me, they make me think. My thoughts are muddled, mugged my confrontation. and so- wherein lies the future

I was inspired by enya today when she said.. hold up: "don't think ugh why didn't I ____. just look forward" that's what it is huh. kind of makes sense i guess.

Haha, but really. I really must be Miss Self-Destruction at its finest. Didn't know my masochistic tendencies could be manifested in these ways.

Waking up, this is confusion

it's 411

in the whirlwind i can affectionately call my past few weeks, i've barely been able to sit back and just think and reflect like i used to do only, yknow, about 20 times a day. so here i am at 4:12 am, the day of my 2 midterms, one of which will most likely obliterate me and the other.. i could care less about. or i mean, i should care more about, but I really can't when econ and sigmas completely CONSUME me.

but this... what deja vue. this is something i WOULD do- procrastinate on opening my microeconomics book and studying for my impending doom to come in less than 7 hours.

what's the point?

it's never good enough.

i kid. not really. it really never is good enough, but only here will i ever admit that i am still proud of what i've accomplished in that class. just the fact that i never actually follow through on my threats to kill myself (+ everyone) is impressive, i think.

where'm i going with this? nowhere. I'm obviously dawdling time... holding off on reading about risk premiums, certainty equivalents, and actuarily fair insurance.

oh let me just shoot.

i have a lot of issues. inferiority issues, daddy issues, time management issues, anger issues.. you know, the list goes on. however, i think i am slowly (very slowly) but surely beginning to come to terms with these issues. i do honestly believe my weakest features are my strongest points. For example..? well my inferiority complex- this burning desire and need to prove myself and my worth, first of all, probably keeps me alive. daddy issues? i'm learning that they've taught me to be independent and self-sufficient. time management? nevermind, i'm still working on that (and very apparently failing). basically, i'm learning and growing. that's good right?..

today, i took my first astro midterm; i walked into the midterm having just crammed 6-7 hour long webcasts into 3 hours with no time to review all the material beforehand. i probably guessed on 2/3 of the questions, not knowing half of them at all. i came out certain that i would go back home at the end of the day and make this class pass/no pass. instead, i checked my scores and saw a 21/25.

yeah, i'm gloating. i'm allowed to because it's my blog. but wow- i am proud. and i am NEVER proud of myself. truth be told, i most likely just got very lucky with all my guesses, but i have not felt this feeling of success in a very long time. i admit that i am perpetually wrapped up in a cocoon of self-loathing, discouragement, and negativity. i can't help it; it's just another one of my issues.

where am i going with this...

i guess bottom line is.. yes, i got lucky with astro. this does not mean i will get lucky with econ, soc, or stats. but this gives me hope, and i can really use some of that right now... honestly, though, i bust my ASS for econ on any given day. maybe not right now, but any other day, i am throwing myself into that motherfucking class, and though i have yet to come out triumphant, godDAMN does it feel good to try. i do bitch, moan, groan, and whine about it only all the time, but to live with a purpose- what a bliss.

the funny thing is, some days, i find myself smiling to myself for no real apparent reason at all. (and yes, this is rare)

i guess... maybe i'm finally finding happiness?

nah.

that can't be...

-4:45 i'm out

ps: yes i am pledging a sorority. color the world shocked, i may just be defying every law of the universe by doing this.. but i. will. never. forfeit.

When I wonder why I can't be happy, I come to a conclusion that I find it impossible to love myself.

I find it impossible to love myself because I love no one.

I love no one because I avoid emotion.

I avoid emotion because it is usually not happiness.

And thus, I live my miserable, empty, meaningless life.