Yesterday, I was blessed with more words of wisdom from my mother.
It starts with a bad night of sleep for Rachel Cho. I don't remember much but I remember waking up sometime in the middle of the night feeling rather constricted and strangled and whipping off my shirt half-consciously. Honestly, this isn't the first time I've stripped while sleeping, though I do it more in the summer. But usually, I wake up again in about a few hours shivering like a naked snail and put on some clothes again. Please, girlfrain, I am not a ho.
This time, however, I woke up to my mom standing over me with the most puzzled look on her face. She said something in Korean that is not directly translatable but goes something along the lines of "What The Fuck." And then, she sat me down and nuked me early morning with the sex talk.
But let me assure you that sex talks from a to-the-core, pure-at-heart, die-hard Catholic Asian mom aren't your typical birds and bees. Mine was scientific and well proven and completely logical.
Here's the play by play
"I understand that this is the time in your life when you want to try something new and get closer to boys. You probably look at your friends with their boyfriends and wish that you have what they have."
First of all... wow? Not only is that just the most ironic statement I have ever heard but after thinking about it more, I am actually quite hurt by this. Is she not assuming that while my friends are capable of finding love, I fail to get any? Am I that lacking that she automatically assumes that I've never got some?
"You know the difference between dogs and humans? If dogs want to do it, they'll just go out on the street and find a dog to bang. You don't see it here because the dogs are domesticated but I saw it all the time in Korea. They can't control their desires but humans can. We don't just go on the streets and find people to bang."
What are prostitutes for?
"The first time you have sex, it might not seem like a big deal. But your body actually registers the DNA of the first person you have sex with. So if you two break up and you meet someone else, your body will reject his DNA and you won't be able to have babies with him."
And here, I stared into her passionate eyes and nodded. Because you have to admit, this logic completely explains the phenomenon of overpopulation.
I mean really, it is total genius. It could potentially eliminate the bank of pills or condoms you're exposed to in a lifetime. Who needs protection? All you need to do is shack up with some jerk of a boyfriend (or a stranger on the streets!) once and escape pregnancy-- there! you're all set for the rest of your life! You can do whatever and whomever you like because your body's just going to reject that man's poor sperm.
Yes, people, my mother just found a foolproof method of birth control.
"The main point is, just say no."
Oh and the memories of the good old days come flooding in:
-'rachel, have sex with me.'
-'no!'
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Ah, no, my story is not over.
I also found that my mother could be a source of my sleeping disorder. It is not merely my inability to manage my time or my total lack of self control.
Over breakfast, (I think it was the same day too! Wow, double whammy!) my mother berated my grogginess (perhaps because she woke up up early morning with a sex talk?).
"When did you sleep?"
"1 30?"
"You slept a whole 7 hours! You only need 6, 4 or 5 even!"
Well okay, it seemed a little ridiculous but understandable. I mean, we are high school students in middle of college applications and SATs...
But then that night, she asked me when I was planning on waking up today.
"9?"
"Then go to sleep at 3 AM. No, wait, since SAT IIs are coming up, sleep at 4."
And then the good ol' memories came flooding back to me, including the time when my mother actually forced me to stay awake until 12 o'clock... when I was 10 years old. I mean, letting a kid stay up late to do something is another story. How can a mother force her child to not sleep? When, or so I thought, most parents complain about the inconsistent and unsatisfying sleep cycles of their teenage children, my mother actually wants me to stay up later than I want to?
Therefore, I concluded that I am nocturnal because I was raised that way and I live in a house of utter madness.
meanwhile... HOMECOMING! WHOOOHOOO
