rachel is lazy, but i forgive her

I forgive you for everything, Rachel- girl with A.D.D., because you are still on Chapter 1 of AP Gov summer homework and Chapter 5 of Catch-22 (last I checked, which was yesterday). Please, get a move on.

On another note, I myself am screwed for gov simply because the book repels me. Not as much as Rachel, no, but nonetheless, I am far, far from done- maybe 200 pages off + the supplemental reading. Which brings me to this case: how can one lady be so absurdly enticed by the Constitution that she feels the need to annotate every word and consequently blow up one document into a fairly thick novel? And another: how can some of my classmates be so idle as to actually take detailed notes on a book that is already essentially, notes?

Regardless of what people like to do in their spare time, I am currently working on my personal statement for college apps at Admissions Academy. I am sorry to say that I think that out of all the students at the center, I am the farthest behind. As I sneakily sneak a peek at everyone's screens, I see that no one plays Pacman as I do, no one is constantly opening up the browser to email. In fact, everyone has a word document pulled up, full of text, and painstakingly typing at 234098 rpm. I am the A.D.D. princess of this lovely institution.

I am also sick... or I have extensive allergies that make me what to rip my skin off, claw out my eyeballs, and replace my nose with one that if fully functioning. I am hoping my unhealthy symptoms are not due to the latter because knowing that allergies, an inherent facet of my life, are causing me so much agony and will do so for the rest of my existence is just too much for me to handle.

My cousin recently immigrated from Asia just last week. No, she is not here to visit; she is here to stay. At a tender age of 17, soon to be 18 on September first... I admire her courage and sheer will. I would never be able to stick myself in a foreign land with my inadequate foreign language skills and be prepared to live there. Forever. And get a foreign education, a foreign job, a foreign husband, and foreign-ly procreate. Kudos!

I will now depart to allow my counselor dissect my writing.

exhilaration

It's too bad that I passed out at around 9 30 pm last night and I didn't get to watch all of the opening ceremony because I have never felt so completely overwhelmed with emotions and exhilaration. I could feel my heart synchronizing with the beats of the 2008 drums and I teared when the kids came out with all their cultural costumes and soldiers. I mean, I remember watching the opening ceremony every Olympic game but I have never felt the presence of so much unity and passion and dedication. I think last night I fully understood the meaning of the Olympic games and, specifically, the significance of this 2008 Olympic to Chinese people. I have always watched the Olympics with half an eye since I never had much interest in sports but I realized Olympics isn't just a bunch of countries competing for some medals. It's every country from around the world joining as one under the same roof and it's China proving themselves to everyone watching and it's a moment for new heroes to shine and prosper.

all I'm trying to say is that the opening ceremony was FUCKING BEAUTIFUL and FUCKING MIND BLOWING.

AND SPEAKING OF MIND BLOWING?

What is happening in the world?! Bernie Mac dead? Edwards had an affair? Russia raged war on Georgia? JOSHUA won so you think you can dance?!

WORLD'S GONE MAD

but what's really gone mad is ECYS IN THE H-ZIZZLE.
like I have NEVER enjoyed ecys camp so thoroughly. I mean who would enjoy 8 hours of violin or cello or any orchestra instrument so much.

BUT MAN IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.
i'd say more but I'll leave that up to jacqueline to do alone with the FTTS post.

SOOOOOOOOO
PEACE OUT
BUT NOT SINCE RUSSIA IS GOING FREAKING APESHIT! WTF?!

I do miss people!

And alas, I am not all so pathetic.

Today, as I was sitting on the couch daydreaming, I thought to myself, wow, I really do miss human contact. Well, not exactly human contact. I mean, I miss contact from a few people. And I miss people. I miss TFC-even the damn table itself. I miss my wife, my mother, my other mother, my father, my ex-violin teacher, my 5th grade teacher, my sanity...

Anyhow, these thoughts are reassuring as I study (relentlessly) for my psych midterm. I just started studying a little less than an hour ago with many distractions but I'm not worried because, well, I'm an insomniac.

The point is that I do have feelings! And I don't know why you'd ever want to let go of these, Jacqueline, because the air's cleaner here. Do you see this positivity here? That's called Rachel turning over a new leaf. Optimism FTW.

Peace! And may the force be with me on this midterm... I think I actually need it

good genes.

recently, I crashed my (not mine, a friend's) bike into a pole. I fell and bled. Making a fuss, I took a shower with one hand today, skived off of doing the dishes, went through 3 band-aids, watched it turn a strange greenish hue, and finally decided to let the scar sit nude and uncared for. I proceeded with my day, reading Twilight (which I hate to admit is quite a page turner) and watching Grey's Anatomy, carefully abandoning this nuisance on the palm of my left hand but I found myself subconsciously feeling this circular scar repeatedly. I am not a freak with a scar fetish. But the feeling of this hardened, dead, green, sunken skin on my hand is so foreign and alien that I think I am secretly fascinated by it despite the petulant whining and dramatic displays of handicap.

I have nobody to blame for my incapability of getting a 5 on the AP test. yes, I know, I should be disowned from the Asian race. Things like this shouldn't be discussed so publicly on a blog- I know. And most of all, I have no right whatsoever to blame this on anybody but myself. I saw it coming. I brought this on myself. I so lazily didn't bother opening AP books or even the sodding textbook. I so foolishly didn't bother even worrying about the exam, egotistically thinking that it was impossible not to get a 5 with a teacher like Korsunsky and the workload like Lynbrook's AP Calculus BC class. And, as much as I'd like to, I can't blame Collegeboard for this. They did nothing but give me a damn test, fail me, and then send me mails to shove up my ass. I deserved a 4 on the AP test. I think if anybody didn't deserve a 5, it was me. I know it. I have no right to complain here. Nor elsewhere. I have no right to complain, period, about anything.

So why am I? Why do I complain about a scar that I actually secretly enjoy fondling? Why do I complain about something that I KNOW I have no right to complain about? I don't like to complain. I hate complainers and I hate to be a hypocrite (but yet we all are hypocrites). I hate the sound of my voice when I complain. Why?

Because I hate people. I hate humankind. It is despicable. I know I sound like a "raging, liberal teenager" and an emo kid dreaming of world destruction. But I hate the things that happen to me. I hate people I meet. I also hate it when I get envious. It really is an awful feeling. You know those people you just meet and you think, god, this person got all the good genes. There is nothing that can possibly go wrong for this person. This person is essentially perfect. The world turns for this person. Who wouldn't be envious? Why can't everyone be like this?

This also makes you think, did I ever even have the potential to be this person? Or is everything in my life already destined to fail while this person's life is destined to succeed? Could I have been a Sarah Chang if I worked hard on my violin or is that something that was never meant for me to do? Because if that's so, then yes, I do have a right to complain.

What have I ever done. Can any dumbass be a genius? It's not fair that my house is always infested with bugs. It's not fair that some people can live life as lethargically as I do and still get by. It's not fair that some people were just born with good genes. It's not fair that nothing, nothing this past year has gone right for me except grades and really, what good is that for me. I have killed myself a little inside for a piece of paper with 6 As on them and really, was it worth it? I have lost my ability to drive, thereby losing my path to freedom, I have lost time, money and stress on SATs that did me no good, I have lost my zeal and love, my overflowing optimism, my forgiving nature, my loving, caring persona, my fascination with mankind. I have sacrificed them all, spread them all out neatly on a platform for the damned Gods like lamb, I have been dehumanized to every molecule there is in this empty, vile corpse I lived in for a few good grades and a lifetime of pessimism. I lost friends, I lost family, I lost people who I loved and cared for, I lost reasons to smile for a small chance to show that maybe I do have a few good genes. And after all you've taken from me, after sacrificing everything I had that made me who I always was, the only things I am rewarded with are these new pair of eyes that can see how morally, mentally, and emotionally destructed I am. And all I've got to lose now is my dignity.

Hello, world, I am Rachel. I hate things because I no longer feel pain. I complain about things because I no longer have hope. Please give me back my rose colored glasses.

I am also very sorry about this psychotic post. These things should go into a private diary locked in some obscure corner of my desk but I'm also classless and melodramatic.

But at least it's out now and I can go back to my happy posts :D you know, when I talk about my life and things that are on my mind. Now it's out of the system and you'll never have to see something so repulsively emo again. So peace-

regret

This feeling is mutual and universal. It is the "Language of the World" as quoted in The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (fantastic, inspiring novel, btw).

I go through the phase perpetually. The "should-have" and "would-have" and "could-have" sentiments hit me almost as regularly as those random pains in the ass (not metaphorically; my ass seriously hurts at times). I think about how my life would have been different if I had just, I don't know... not been a total loser. Or whether or not I should have eaten that fajita burrito. Or how I could have found more productive things to do this summer (like a job). I could have been something- now I'm just quoting "On the Waterfront" (a classic must-see, btw)- but ultimately, I am not. And this is not the time in my life when I should be having doubts about myself and self esteem issues but the thing about those would-should-coulds is that there's nothing I can do about it. That's essentially where life likes to bite people in the ass-- and for me, almost literally. It's what defines failure and success. I mean, if everyone did what they should have done, there would be no evil in this world ergo, there would be no need for police ergo, a movie like Superbad would not exist. And that, my friends, is the apocalypse.

So what is the point of this entry? I have no pretty pictures to show of my yellowing backyard. I can talk about my day but who gives a flying fish. I'm a sucker and a failure but what am I going to do, start giving a care? All I know is that I refrained from using the f-bomb twice in this paragraph and I deserve a pat on the back.

On the road to purity and success. FTW

P.S: somebody, I won't mention names, deliberately called Rachel dumb. That means see you at your grave. That means watch out. I can put my foot behind my head. Biatch~

bitter...sweet...?

Hello, all

The school year of 2007-2008 is finally over. More importantly, Rachel's junior year is over. feelings? bittersweet...? no. just sweet. I don't understand how ANYONE could feel bitter after finishing a treacherous year of school. Sure, the seniors are leaving for college and summer means not being able to see friends every day and, for study-holics like Jacqueline Liu, not being able to study something.

But friends! The "sweet" really does overcome the "bitter." Summer means laboring under the globally warmed sun, sweating profusely, cramming AP Lit and AP Gov homework, not having a job and therefore being broke, not having a driver's license, starting on college apps, studying for SATs, studying for De Anza classes, gaining weight, getting dumber, being abandoned by both mothers, turning into a recluse, and ultimately, failing at life.

so, I lie. feelings are now just bitter.

it is coming to a close

• Congrats ECYS '08!
• The Lynbrook graduating class
  
• Weeds
• Sam Chen ??
  
• The prospects of my life
  

There will be essays on the aforementioned topics in the near future. Literally.